You hear the nonsensical babbling of a small child. You try to ignore it. The babbling seamlessly blends into whining. You try to ignore it. The whining becomes crying. You can’t ignore it any longer. Does this child have parents? Can’t they please calm down this demon child? Isn’t that THEIR JOB?
The crying is now a full on tantrum. Other passengers must notice and share your disgust. Why is this child even on an airplane in the first place? Shouldn’t there be some form of rule against it? Can’t the parents even be shamed into forcing this child to be quiet for even a couple minutes?
The noise emanating from the child is getting closer. You feel it all around you. It won’t stop. Now you sense that the scornful looks of the rest of the plane are directed at you for some reason.
Open your eyes. The crying child is sitting next to you. It’s yours.
This is a live blog.
1:45- Boarding. Me, the Dude and Supermommy are flying to NY for a family vacation. We’re flying Southwest so they have an open seating plan. We board the plane to find our seats. As the Dude says, “Hi” to all the passengers already seated, they try to avoid eye contact as if to say, “Please don’t sit your snot-nosed kid next to me. Just keep walking.”
1:46- We find our seats. Even though the Dude is technically young enough to sit on our laps for the two-hour flight, the Dude is pretty big for his age and awfully wiggly. So, we bite the bullet and buy him his own seat for everyone’s comfort.
1:47- We buckle the Dude in along with his traveling companions Dog-Dog (aka Blanket-Dog) and Bear who also needed to be buckled in with him. His binky (pacifier or nook as I’ve heard it called) is surgically attached to his lips. We don’t even care.
1:51- Our steward “Colin” casually says hello to us and asks how old the Dude is. We say, "a little under two, 22 months actually.” Colin the steward frowns and says, “He has to sit on your lap.” We say, “Wait a minute, we bought a ticket for him.” Colin the steward just shakes his head as if we are the worst people he as ever seen and walks away to do whatever they do when they’re not pretending to demonstrate how an oxygen mask works or seeing how many ice cubes they can fit in a tiny plastic cup of Sprite.
1:52- I realize that Colin the steward made me feel guilty for buying a ticket and giving the Dude his own seat, rather than putting him on the plane for free and let him crawl over some other poor passenger. Point taken. Don’t give Southwest any extra money.
1:53- I take out Spirit, Southwest Airlines official magazine, from the seat pouch in front of me. I’m in luck because this month’s issue is “The Awesome Issue”. If you happen to fly next month you will receive the “Less Than Awesome Issue”. Sorry. The cover story is entitled, “Think This Looks Gnarly? Try Doing It At Night.” Awesome.1:55- The poor suckers who didn’t get their tickets in time and we’re in the D line are now boarding the plane, frantically trying to find seats that aren’t near any little children.
1:59- The Dude’s diaper is already saturated with pee, and he has decided that seatbelts aren’t that fun after all. He tries to wiggle out of it like Harry Houdini in a sinking box bound by shackles and chains.
2:00- I open up Spirit Magazine: The Awesome Issue. I’m always fascinated by the letters to the editor section, I mean who reads this stuff on a flight and is stimulated enough to write in? I’ll tell you who, Dan Lothian CNN White House Correspondent in Washinton. He wrote in about a story Spirit did on golf, specifically the golf course TPC at Sawgrass and the island green on the 17th hole. He writes about how he doesn’t play golf but admires it, and perhaps when he has more time and he retires he might take it up. Thanks for the insight, Dan. Glad to hear your thoughts on the matter.
2:01- Take-off. We’re off! Quick tip- Binkies work great to combat ear popping caused by air pressure.
2:10- Our captain informs us that we can take out our electronic devices. Suppermommy whips out her trusty new iPad.
2:15- The thing about Curious George is that he’s just so darn curious. It will get him into serious trouble one day, the type of trouble that even a man in a yellow hat can’t fix.
2:20- Turbulence!!!!! The Dude doesn’t seem to mind. Kinda fun.
2:25- The kid behind us is crying. It sounds like locusts buzzing. I feel a sense of smug superiority that my child is watching his iPad is rapt silence.
2:26- Dude loses interest in the movie and wants to stand up in his seat and dance. Looks like a situation. I pretend to be engrossed in my Spirit Magazine-The Awesome Issue and let Supermommy handle it.
2:27- Here’s a list of stats as reported by Spirit Magazine- The Awesome Issue: Hackers create 57,000 fake websites each week, modern punctuation wasn’t around until the 15th century, Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham using only 50 different words, and we consume nearly 50% more sodium than is recommended.
2:30- Snack time! The service staff distributes peanuts, pretzels and baked pita chips. Baked pita chips? Where the hummus? Hook a brotha up with a little chickpea, yo!
2:31- Supermommy is dismayed to find out that her bag of honey-roasted peanuts contains a grand total of one whole peanut and six halves. She essentially was handed a bag of honey-roasted air.
2:32- I triumphantly announce that my bag contains 22 honey-roasted peanuts.
2:33- Supermommy steals my bag of honey-roasted peanuts.
2:34- I place my drink order with the smug steward Colin. I order a Coke. Will I get a full can or not? Always a mystery.
2:40- Where’s that Coke, Colin? I’m thirsty!
2:42- I make a serious mistake by breaking down and eating my pita chips before my drink arrives.
2:45- The service staff, Colin included, are nowhere to be found. They must be retrieving my drink order by skydiving to the ground.
2:50- My Coke finally arrives. A splash of soda over 10 ice cubes. I drink it in one swallow before the Dude gets wind of it. Now where’s that extra bag of pita chips I took from the Dude?
2:51- The Dude finishes eating the aforementioned bag of pita chips. The pita chips are gone. What will I do if the hummus spread arrives? SOL is what I’ll be.
2:53 The Dude attempts to flip the table tray with the iPad resting on it. Bye-bye, iPad!
2:56-The seatbelt sign is off.
2:57-The seatbelt sign is back on. The Dude is not amused.
2:58- The Dude’s getting squirmy.
2:59 The Dude’s getting ticked off.
3:00 Ah, freak out. Le freak, c’est chic!
3:05-3:30- Per a deal I made in conjunction with Southwest Airlines and the FAA, I cannot publicity comment on the events that occurred during this timeframe.
3:31- Juice.
3:32- I read a story in Spirit Magazine- The Awesome Issue about a canine genius who knows more than a thousand words.
3:50- Colin the steward implores us to turn off all electronic devices, blackberries, pinkberries, blueberries and Chuck Berrys. I didn’t make that up, that’s what he really said, people you got to believe me.
3:55- We begin our decent. Ahhhhh, we’re gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:56- No, we’re fine.
Fly Southwest Airlines,
cheap, cheap.
Fly Southwest Airlines and we’ll really get you there,
cheap, cheap.
This really happened btw.
4:05- As we pack up our stuff to leave. The stewardess and a couple of passengers comment on what a good little boy the Dude was on the flight. Supermommy and I do a double take. I guess the standards of behavior on an airplane are graded on a curve.
Ah, to have been on that flight with the Dude, helping him write out his application to Harvard, Yale, Princeton or Stanford. Flying well is not everything but it is something!
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the post!