“I understand that there are a number of gaps in my employment history, but with this economy... within those gaps I was actively looking for work… y’know, this economy…”
“No, I’m not talking about gaps in your employment history. I mean, look, this is a professional office, we do business here, and there are certain standards, minimum standards. There’s a dress code for instance.”
“I have no problem with that.”
“Monday through Thursday, you can wear business casual, slacks, a collared shirt, loafers or a Top-Sider. Friday, jeans, that sort of thing.”
“Sounds pretty standard. I wore a suit for this interview to make a good impression, because I’m excited about the opportunity.”
“And it’s a nice suit. Did you pay full price?”
“Yes.”
“You see what I’m getting at don’t you?”
“Getting at?”
“You’re not wearing any pants.”
“That’s right, you got me there. You nailed it.”“Do you think that it’s acceptable to show up at an interview without a stitch of trouser?”
“Of course not. But in my defense, I technically did ‘show up’ for the interview with pants. And they were nice pants too. Charcoal gray. Pressed. They matched the suit of course. The suit was Hugo Boss.”
“And it’s a nice suit. At least the jacket and tie look nice. But, it’s the missing pants that concerns me.”
“You're having a hard time getting past this, I see.”
“No, I’m past the initial shock of you walking into my office without any pants on. What I can’t get past is what you mean by saying that you ‘technically showed up for the interview with pants’?”
“In all the times you went over this interview in your head, were you wearing pants?”
“I always had pants on. Each time.”
“So your pre-visualization routine was on point. It’s just your execution."
“Exactly. But, I wore the suit on my drive here.”
“The suit with pants?”
“Yes, of course. So I drove here and actually walked into the office with a full business suit on. I was ready to knock this interview out of the park.”
“I want to shine a spotlight on… I mean I want to put a laser focus on the sequence of events here. You say drove here with pants on?”
“Yes.”
“You walked into the building with pants on?”
“Yep.”
“That’s dead on.”
“She gave you the forms to fill out. You sat down and waited in the lobby area until she notified you that I was ready to see you and all this time you were wearing pants?”
“Absolutely.”
“You didn’t go to the bathroom or anything?”
“No.”
“So then what happened?”
“I got nervous. And when I get nervous I sweat heavily.”
“You look dry as a bone.”
“No, the sweating all happened down below. Have you heard of the term ‘swamp ass’?”
“Of course. So basically you had a vicious attack of flop sweat of the ass?”
“Yes.”
“And you took your pants off to remedy the situation.”
“That wasn’t my initial plan. I tried dabbing with my resume.”
“The resume I’m holding in my hand right now?”
“I only brought one copy. “
“…”
“But the swamp ass could not be contained. So I was left with no choice but to remove the infected area.”
“The pants.”
“I would have removed more, but that seemed unprofessional.”
“Thanks for that. But to be honest, what drove you to remove your pants and walk into my office doesn’t interest me as much. I mean there is something unknowable about that. I probably will go to my grave not understanding you and your actions.”
“Can I say again, that I really wish I was wearing pants right now.”
“Forget that, what I want to know. What I need to know is WHERE are the pants?”
“Pardon?”
“What did you do with them?”
“The pants?”
“Yes! Yes! You were wearing pants when you walked into the office, and my secretary just IM’d me to confirm that you still had them on when you walked past her desk to enter my office. That’s only a gap of about three feet between her desk and my office door.”
“Right, well, like I said, I quickly took them off before I walked in when her back was turned. It was a split second decision. A decision I now regret, as I’ve repeatedly stated.”
“But what did you do with the pants?
“I took them off, they’re gone.”
“No, I know you took them off, but where are they now? I can see you don’t have them with you. I’ve got my entire sales team searching the office high and low for those pants right now. Did you stash them in the ceiling tiles? Under the carpet? Did they just vaporize? Where did they go? Where did you hide them?
“Maybe we can talk about my relevant work experience?”
“No, forget that. The job is strictly clerical work, but it’s not like your getting it anyway. Your only assignment is you telling me what you did with those pants.”
“Then maybe I’ll just go.”
“I’ll go.”
“Look. I’m going to put all my cards on the table here. I will not be able to sleep at night until I find out where those pants are, and you are not going anywhere until I do. I’ll call security, well we don’t have security in this office, but I’ll hire some rent-a-cops to secure the perimeter. WHERE ARE THE PANTS! TELL ME NOW!”
“Do you mind if I show you something?”
“Oh please, don’t.”
“No, just let me demonstrate.”
“…”
“…”
“Wow, I’ve never seen anything like that before?”
“I’ve never shown anybody that before.”
“Is that in, uh, numerical order?”
“And alphabetized.”
“And you can do that again?”
“As many times as the job requires.”
“When can you start?”
“I’ve already started.”
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