Sharknado!

Last week, Syfy's original movie Sharknado took social media (especially Twitter) by storm. Why Sharknado hit the cultural meme bulls-eye instead of other Syfy shlock classics like 2-Head Shark Attack or Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras we'll never know.

I sat down to watch Sharknado and live blogged the entire thing. Watching with me is my wife, Molly, who was REALLY excited to see it. One thing you should know about my wife is that she's really into extreme weather, real or imagined.

The purpose this live blog serves for you, dear reader, is three-fold:

1. You can read along while watching the film. 2. You've heard people talk about it and you want to pretend that you've seen it, too. 3. You really don't want to waste your life watching a movie about a tornado that has sharks in it, but you still want to make jokes about it with your friends and you need a nice collection of jokes you can steal free of charge.

The following live blog contains SPOILERS.

-Here we go.

-20 miles off the coast of Mexico. Are there any documented sharknados in Mexico?

-We’re on a boat with a guy with Spanish Russian accent and an Asian dude. They’re negotiating something. Probably their contracts with the producers.

-The weather is freshening, smells like tunanado weather. They wish.

-The storms too strong. Got to go around it. You can't outrun a sharknado.

-A shark boards the boat and starts eating a dude. Molly: Awesome!

-Asian guy is shot, drops a case of Monopoly money and then is eaten by a shark. Then the shooter with the bad Russian Spanish accent is swept up in a sharknado and killed. Dorothy had it easy.

-Cut to: THE BEACH!

-Credit sequence:

Tara Reid (American Pie, TMZ) as April Wexler.

Cassie Scerbo (Bring it On: In It To Win It) as Nova Clarke.

John Heard (Home Alone) as George.

Jaason Simmons (Logan Fowler on Baywatch) as Baz.

AND Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders on Beverly Hills 90210) as Fin Shepard

- The beach scenes remind Molly of a particular vollyball scene in 90210 when they worked at the beach club and then Saved by the Bell did the same thing. Molly is really fired up about this.

-Ian Ziering had more hair when 90210 premiered in 1990, but curiously, he has more hair now then when it ended in 2000. He’s a surfer in the movie. It looks like he's wearing Dylan McKay's wetsuit.

-Clouds are coming in. Shark clouds.

-We’re in a seaside bar owned by Ian Ziering's character. Nova Clarke is a waitress. She’s wearing a bikini. Cassie Scerbo’s is providing the T & A since Tara Reid’s new breasts are apparently still on layaway at Cedars-Sinai.

-Fun fact about Cassie Scerbo: she was born in 1990 in Long Island, NY. Strong Island represent!

-John Heard is playing a drunk. He grabs Nova Clarke’s ass (not sure if this was in the script). She has shark-like teeth mark scars on her ass. He asks about it. And she says it from shaving. That makes sense? Ew.

-Molly is questioning why the lighting looks dark in one scene an then light in another. The cinematographer and editor have been put on notice.

-Ian Ziering's Sonny Crockett beard will fight off any shark.

-Dude, there are suddenly like a hundred sharks, which is why Ian Ziering yells, "Sharks!"

-It looks like they're using outtakes from all the Jaws movies randomy edited together.

-Ian Ziering is called "Grandpa" by Nova Clarke. Ouch.

-Ian’s Austrialian buddy, Baz, is on a jetski. A shark gnaws on his leg for a while. Ian gets on the jetski and takes the wheel and drives him in.

-Nova Clarke uses her waitress apron to stop Baz’s bleeding.

-“You could have been killed,” Nova Clarke chastises Ian Zierring’s for saving his buddy from a shark attack.

-A shot of a guy from the Normandy D-Day invasion lying on beach with half a leg bitten off.

-Ian Zierring in classic Steve Sanders-mode back at the bar. He’s in his element. His full name we learn is Finley “The Fin” Shepard. Of course it is.

-Nova Clarke makes a move on Ian Zierring/Steve Sanders. He still’s got it!

-Molly checks IMDB. Ian is 49. A little part of Molly dies.

-A news report identifies the hurricane as Hurricane David. It's the fiirst hurricane to hit California. Where’s the tornados?

-Molly Fact Check: since 1939, 4 tropical cyclones have hit California, but no full hurricane, just remnants.

-Global warming has been identified as the culprit. Sharknados are written off as a liberal conspiracy by Fox News.

-Tara Reid is in the house. Ian’s estranged wife. She looks like she’s was out for two straight weeks chain smoking Pall Malls, died and was embalmed. She has a glamour shot of herself on the wall of her house. 

-The storm is freshening.

-A shark flies through the bar glass window. Nova Clarke impales it with a pool cue. That just happened!

-I think John Heard is actually drunk and doesn’t know what set he’s on.

-The hurricane hits. Everyone runs out of the Peach Pit.

-A shark attacks Nova Clark on the boardwalk. She points a shotgun at the flopping around shark.

-Molly: How did they know they needed to pack heat?

-John Heard kills the shark with a barstool. That just happened!

-A shark attacks Baz. He recreates the oxygen tank scene at the end of Jaws.

-A ferris wheel is unmorred and people run away from it like in Raiders of the Lost Ark until is crashes into a building. Yes, that happened, too.

-Dear Anthony C. Ferrante, director of Sharknado. Yes, we get your Steven Spielberg references. His agent still won’t return your calls.

-Everything is calm again. The storm is quiet. Steve Sanders wonders if he can get Kelly back or maybe hook up with Val.

-I decide Ian’s hair beard dye is more reddish than brown. Nice hair work. Can it survive all this sharknado weather?

-Stock footage montage of hurricanes courtesy of the Weather Channel. Where’s Jim Cantore.

-Commerical Break. An ad for Blast Vegas starring Frankie Muniz. No joke.

-Back to the movie. The crew talk about getting to higher ground. Beverly Hills. What’s the zip code?

-They’re stuck in traffic on the 405.

-Water breach flooding the highway.

-“It’s like Old Faithfull” “We’ll need more than faith to get through this.”

-Molly starts singing George Michael for some reason.

-A shark is in the express lane, eating people, passing on the right.

-Ian suggests everyone get to higher ground for the 100^th time already.

-A dog is locked in a car. “Help!” yells a woman.

-John Heard runs toward the car with his barstool of death. He crashes the window, saves the dog. What can’t barstools do?

-A huge waves hits. John Heard is eaten by a shark. “Oh crap,” are his dying words. Thanks, John Heard, your check is in the mail.

-Ian and the crew drive through a giant wave and get through the traffic jam.

-“If there’s one thing I know. It’s timing waves.” – Ian Ziering as Finley “The Fin” Shepard.

-Ian drives the crew to his huge house on the hill. Tara Reid looks like Charo. Her face looks like an old catchers mitt.

-His teenaged daughter and Tara Reid’s boyfriend is in the house. Ian and Tara argue the fine points of marital law.

-A shark breaks through glass and eats the ex-wive’s boyfriend. That just happened!

-The shark is swimming through the living room. The crew tries to attack it with a bookcase. Yes, I know that doesn’t sound right. The shark gets wise and swims UNDER the bookcase. Nova Clarke shoots it with a gun. Uses all her ammo. Better load up on pool cues and barstools, toots.

-Blood in the water. Baz says, “Looks like that time of the month.”

-Molly lodges her protest at that comment.

-More sharks are in the water. Ian distracts the sharks with a floor lamp. Tara Reid, Nova Clarke, daughter and Baz all run out and get in the car parked outside where it’s only lightly drizzling outside. Keep in mind, the weather INSIDE is so severe that sharks are flooding it.

-They drive away as Ian’s house crumbles from extreme water damage and shark infestation for some reason.

-Close up of Tara Reid’s face. I’ll have night terrors.

-Nova Clarke finds more ammo in the glove compartment of Ian’s car. People must be trying to come after Ian’s 90210 residuals.

-A shark swims up to a school bus. Ian gets out of the car to save the children. He pulls out his climbing rope (because he has those) and repels down from a bridge (it’s also stopped raining and it’s sunny outside). The bus is filled with children who only have only watched the new 90210. Poor kids. He pulls the children out. The stoner teacher is last. He climbs up the rope, then Ian pulls himself up while sharks literally nip at his heels. Ian saves the day.

-The wind freshens. The W flies off the Hollywood sign.

-A piece of the Hollywood sign flies off and impales the teacher. Your check is in the mail. Get a better agent.

-Three tornados appear over the ocean called waterspouts.

-Molly Fact Check: A waterspout is an intense columnar vortex (usually appearing as a funnel-shaped cloud) that occurs over a body of water, connected to a cumuliform cloud.

-Back in the car a shark lands on the roof. Ian Ziering attacks it with a baseball bat. Ian is bit. He’s cut! He’s cut! They remember they have a gun and shoot the shark. It flops around dead on the road like Gabriele Carteris’ failed talk show, Gabrielle.

-The car stalls. They smell gas. They run out of the car. It explodes!

-They seek cover at a liquor store. Uh- oh. Better shut down production, Tara’s gonna be here a while.

-They find a new vehicle at a movie car rental place. They take a Hummer.

-They drive the Hummer through a police blockade. Police chase!

-It’s sunny and dry as a bone out. And so are the actors. Ian’s hair dye isn’t even running yet.

-They get to Van Nuys airport, which is located next to a senior center. Both prove to be important to the plot

-“It’s time to leave Kansas, mate” the Baz says.

-No ones gotten eaten in while. Molly is getting restless.

-The tornado is freshening. Ian’s hair plugs are in trouble.

-Ian’s son works as a pilot trainee at the airport. Ian decides flying a helicopter in a tornado is bad idea. They find an equipment room. They load up with chainsaws, weedwackers and bombs.

-Poignant moment between Ian and his daughter. That’s one for the acting reel! If Harry Hamlin can snag a role on Mad Men, why not Ian Ziering? Are you telling me you he couldn’t kill it as Don Draper’s hard-drinking wingman?

-Son and Nova Clarke are flirting. Steve Sanders is going to lose the girl all over again just like when he lost Kelly and Clare and Hilary Swank.

-Nova Clarke has her Robert Shaw in Jaws moment and tells her Indianapolis scar story. "And, you know, the thing about a sharknado... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes... " She doesn't actually say that in the movie but it would have been awesome if she did.

-The new plan is to get in the helicopter and fly into the sharknado and drop bombs.

-Molly: does Tara Reid always look tan? That’s not tan, honey, that’s leather.

-The pilot son and Nova Clarke fly into a tornado er sharknado, and drop a bomb into it. The sharknado evaporates. Not sure about the science there.

-A shark flies down from the sky. Ian chops it in half with a chainsaw. Money shot!

-Ian’s now shooting sharks out of the sky like clay pigeons.

-At the senior center. The seniors are just hanging out in the pool, refusing to go inside. They were in the war, you think a little thing like a sharknado will get them to move? 

-A shark flies at some random dude. Eats his arm. Then his leg. Then a hammerhead falls on him and crushes him. The actor is probably telling his family back home that he’s “making it” in Hollywood.

-Ian pulls a senior out of the pool, which now has a shark in it. He pours gasoline in the pool and lights it blowing up the pool and the one shark. Don’t they have bigger fish to fry? Sorry.

-The seniors inside are playing Connect Four.

-We’re back to the helicopter with the son and Nova Clarke and their magical cure for tornados.

-Ah, a shark flies up and bites down on the helicopter. Nova Clarke takes a knife and tries to cut it off. She slips and falls and another shark swallows her whole in mid-air. The son yells “Ohhhhhhhh.” That all just happened!

-The son tries to land the helicopter while Ian watches from the senior center. Inside, the old dude who wouldn’t leave the pool instructs everyone to get away from the window. Folks, they don’t call them the Greatest Generation for nothing.

-The helicopter lands. Ian runs to his son and pulls him out of the cockpit. There is also a sharknado bearing down on them.

-Ian says he’s going to finish this.

-Ian has an idea.

-He gets in the car. He drives INTO the sharknado. Unscrews the top of the bomb. He jumps out of the car and the sharknado takes the car. The bomb explodes. The sharknsado dissipates. Dead sharks rain from the sky like frogs in Magnolia.

-A shark is raining down on Ian’s daughter. Ian sees this. He pushes her out of the way.

-He revs his chainsaw.

-He jumps toward the shark.

-The shark swallows him whole and lands.

-Wait for it.

-Wait for it.

-Ian cuts himself out of the shark with the chainsaw like a C-Section.

-Wait for it.

-And drags out Nova Clarke, too. It’s the SAME shark that ate her!

-The son gives her half-assed CPR. She coughs. She’s alive! She’s alive!

-“I really hate sharks,” she says.

-And that friends, is the new greatest scene in film history!

-Ian is covered in shark guts, but Tara Reid looks worse.

-Tara and Ian have the most awkward kiss I’ve ever seen. She pushes him away like, “That WAS NOT in my contract.”

-“Hell of a day,” Ian says.

-Fin.

-No really, that’s what the title card says.

-The movie is over and all is calm.

-Molly checks the Weather Channel just in case.

Brendan Recommends- A Soft Serve Ice Cream Cone

It's hot outside. It's humid. Today I was in a full sweat after doing nothing more than standing outside breathing.

The Dude II moments before the mess.

Let's cool things down with a nice, simple cone of chocolate and vanilla swirl soft serve ice cream.

Often I'll order a more complicated scoop, but as my plastic spoon digs at the hard chocolate chunks buried within, I'll gaze over at someone else eating a soft serve cone and wonder why I didn't order it myself.

A soft serve ice cream cone is a summer pop song: mass-produced with no nutritious value, but always perfect.

No one ever replies in the negative when when asked, "How's your cone?"

To re appropriate a Woody Allen joke, "Even the worst one is right on the money."

A soft serve ice cream cone is now.

You don't save a soft serve ice cream cone for later after a few exploratory licks.

You have to eat it with the right mix of lazy enjoyment and determined speed, because nothing changes from a solid to a melted liquid mess in your hands faster than a cone piled high with soft serve ice cream.

A soft serve ice cream cone is a race backwards to a moment in your life when you got exactly what you wanted and what you wanted was as easily obtained and as it was forgotten.

Brendan Recommends (But Maybe Not For Everyone)- 56 Up

56 Up

What is it?

A British documentary series beginning in 1964 that follows the same group of fourteen people, starting at age seven, every seven years. So there was Seven Up!, Seven Plus Seven, 21 Up, 28 Up, 35 Up, 42 Up, 49 Up,  and now 56 Up.

Why do I recommend it?

"Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man"

-A Jesuit saying

What started as a documentary with an intent to examine class in the British society is now the granddaddy of all reality shows and an incomparable document of what a human life is and what the aging process looks like. Every seven years, you see these same people grow old, go to school, get jobs, gain children, lose jobs and spouses, gain grandchildren, but (spoiler-alert but not really) not die. Miraculously none have died yet. What is also interesting is the participants relationship to the show itself and its effect on their lives.

All of the episodes are on Netflix Instant and my wife and I binge-watched 7 Up through 49 Up. I couldn't have been more excited when 56 Up finally appeared to check in on old friends like the ballad of the mentally unstable but articulate Neil or the East Ender Tony who dreams of being a jockey. Of course it's a longer wait until 63 Up.

The series makes you think about how your own life would look in seven year chunks. In the time between my own 28 Up and 35 Up, two children arrived. What will happen between 35 and 42?

The first film Seven Up! features the group as impossibly cute children saying impossibly cute things like, "I don't want to get married because what if she makes me eat my greens and I don't like eating greens." Knowing that you'll watch these same people grow for the next half century is impossible to pass up.

Each episode does have extensive recaps so you don't necessarily HAVE to watch every one. But I think you miss the the shock of seeing them get suddenly seven years older in the next episode.

Why It Might Not Be For Everyone

If your idea of reality is so warped that you only expect/demand dancing or hot tubs or eating bugs or washed-up celebrity judges.

KDP Freebie Weekend By The Numbers

Like seemingly every single self pub ebook author before me, I  recently used Amazon's KDP Select program to put one of my titles for free with the intent to goose my sales numbers.

So, how'd we do?

Not bad. 

In three days, "Play Date" was downloaded 148 times.

121 in the US.
16 in the UK
7 in Germany
1 in France
2 in Japan
1 in Canada

This beats the previous three days count of ZERO proving once again that the only thing people like more than downloading stuff onto their devices is downloading FREE STUFF onto their devices.

Whether all this will lead to more sales remains to be seen, but it was fun watching the numbers go up. 

If you're a new reader, I hope you enjoy the story and download the other adventures. If you missed out on the sale, it's still only 99 cents.

And be on the lookout for more Calvin Recker on the horizon!

Play Date for Free

To honor America (!), the latest Calvin Recker mystery short story "Play Date" is available for FREE on Amazon from 7/5-7/7.

Download it to your PCs, Macs, smart phones and tablets for FREE by clicking HERE.

Download the FREE Kindle app HERE.

Read. Enjoy. Tell your friends. Tweet it. Facebook it. Review it.

Thanks!

Brendan Shares Your Enthusiasm For... Beady Eye

Paul and the BE cover art. NSFW

Welcome to a new feature on Brendan Mackey's Blog called, "Brendan Shares Your Enthusiasm For..." where I discuss a topic that is near and dear to our guest expert's heart.

First up is Paul Snyder. He is a national magazine editor and runs the fantastic music site Transatlantic Modern. He also edits my ebooks.

Paul is a certified Oasis fanatic and today we will discuss the second post-breakup (between brothers Noel and Liam) album by Beady Eye (the yet to be released in the US) BE. 

The Cover

Brendan: First off, what more can be said for the cover image than a naked breast can't say for itself? Out of purely academic curiosity, I looked up the model and she is the wife of the fashion photographer who took the picture. With this knowledge, I can only come to two conclusions about the cover: 1. This proves you really do lose something when you just download only the MP3s and 2. Fashion photography is a desirable career choice.

Paul: Yeah I wonder why more of my high school and college classmates didn't become fashion photographers. Myself included. If the general thrust of the advice we were given on choosing a career path was "Find something you enjoy ..." I don't think there were many of us who would've said, "Well, I don't enjoy naked women." Suffice to say, I splurged on the imported vinyl version of album. Audio quality is one thing. That cover in 12" x 12" as opposed to a CD's 4.75" x 4.75" dimensions is another. Oh, and the vinyl version comes with a huge poster of the album cover. I'm trying to determine if I can hang it up in my new office without getting terminated for sexual harassment. I have a feeling Liam's argument of "It's definitely not sexist, it's sexy. It's a nipple you can bring home to your mother. It's not porn, is it?" probably isn't going to get me too far.

Flick of the Finger (listen HERE)

Brendan: The first track really announces itself with the heavy drums and a fat horn section. I listened to most of the album while running and this got me going. I think this was the first single or the first thing released, and it's a good song. Unfortunately, no discussion of this track can avoid the voiceover that takes up about of third of the back end by (Furious Google Searching) Kayban Novak, British sitcom star of Fonejacker reading a section from Tariq Ali's book about the 60s. On first listen, I guess it works, but it's hard to enjoy the song on replay a lot because of it. It seems like something Noel would throw on one of his Oasis demos.

Paul: Not to be all, "Hey, I graduated with a degree in Writing-Intensive English" (and not fashion photography) on you, but I think the speech is a modified version of something from Marat/Sade. I'm not saying a group of 1960s-philes didn't find the modified version in a book about the 1960s, but as is the wont of a writer, one gets persnickety about credit being given where credit is due. The speech threw me a little at the beginning too, and you're right about the Noel demo thing (callbacks to the "Go Let it Out" demo with "Austin Powers" dialogue), but it works for me now. The whole feel of the song to me is gladiators in the Colosseum and all that big cinematic "Gentlemen, this is our hour ..." stuff, so it blends in nicely. When all the "Dave Sitek," "horns," "cosmic experimentation" reports started spilling out back at the start of the year, I got very excited. I didn't expect this, but I wanted to be surprised and this did it. Might be my favorite thing they've done. Oh, and thanks for pointing out your exercise routine. I'm going to McDonald's now. I suspect you won't want anything?

Brendan: Sorry for depriving Peter Weiss of proper credit... and yes, I'll have a chocolate milkshake.

Soul Love

Paul: Then we move right into a mood piece. For every review I've read of BE so far, they all seem to have the "Wow, Liam's voice ..." (for better or worse) paragraph. He sounds fine to me, but I think he always has on record. I think what should be pointed out is how many notes Liam puts into the "Sou-ou-oul lo-ove, so-ou-oul lo-ov-ve" bits. His whole career, the talk has always been about how he can turn "shine" into a three-syllable word, but it was usually just a sneer. Here, it's actually a handy little bit of singing. Maybe not Pavarotti, but give it a little try yourself. It's not that easy. I think that little bit makes an otherwise uninteresting song kind of interesting. I can't pinpoint anything that really impresses me in this song, but that's not to say it's bad. It's fine to nod your head, purse your lips and bang your thumb on the steering wheel to whilst driving. It's just not a "Oh, dude, you gotta hear this one" kind of track.

Brendan: You're right about Liam. Whether he is a great singer or not is open to debate, but he's a great lead singer and frontman. And I think that's an even harder thing to be. As for "Soul Love" (nicely nicked from David Bowie), I like the searching guitar strumming and the aforementioned vowel-wrangling of the vocal. What I don't like is that it seems that the band and producer left the tape machine on and headed off the the pub. And isn't track 2 a little early for a "mood piece". I can't confirm that Liam wanted to mess with my momentum during my run, but I strongly suspect that might have been a motive.

Paul: Yeah, sorry you had to find this out while trying to improve your physical health, but in terms of how best to enjoy this album, I think "sit and listen," "drive and listen," "imitate Liam's singing stance, lip synch and listen" and "get stoned and listen" come pretty far ahead of "run and listen." I've seen a used CD of "Jock Jams 2" at Reckless Records for 49 cents, if you're interested in your next run's soundtrack. 

Face the Crowd

Brendan: This is pretty much what I expect from Beady Eye at this point. Straight ahead guitars, drumming, hand-claps, tambourines and Liam with his hands behind his back, leaning forward, braying into the microphone. I can see this one kicking off a show

Paul: Live, I’m sure this is fantastic and I’ll be jumping and singing along. On record, this is the album’s flattest moment for me. It’s a fine performance and Sharrock’s drumming can still wow me, but to go back to those mid-winter reports of “Sitek,” “horns” and “cosmic experimentation,” this is not what I was hoping for. I don’t think Beady Eye (or Oasis or Noel) could ever leave basic electric guitar rock behind, and I don’t want them to. But for dudes in their 40s to be writing songs about playing rock and roll shows to their aging fans … I don’t know. One wants to see their childhood idols avoid “The Heart of Rock and Roll” territory at all costs. I don’t think Beady Eye are there, but these kind of songs tempt it.

Second Bite of the Apple

Paul: The verses have an I’m-making-it-up-as-I-go kind of melody to it, which throws me a little. But the whole “the word is up if you’re tough enough” to “Come on, show us your love now” bit is great. The horns are great, the backing track is great and the groove is great. It’s a weird choice for a single, though. Listening to the whole album, this makes sense in the #4 spot. It keeps momentum and links the riffage of “Face the Crowd” to the more sparse “Soon Come Tomorrow” nicely, but to put it out as a single just seems to scream, “THIS IS DIFFERENT! SEE?! IT’S NOT ALL THREE-CHORD BEATLE RIPOFFS! WE CAN BE INTERESTING!” And screaming about how interesting you are seldom makes people go, “You know what? You ARE interesting.” Should’ve been a cool deep cut. 

Brendan: It is an odd track. I do love a good "Come on" in rock songs, especially Gallagher songs, but the lyric I'm more interested in is "Shake my tree where's the apple for me/Tickle my feet with the enemy". Is Liam asking someone to tickle his feet along with the enemy? Or does he want to be tickled literally WITH the enemy, like the enemy's hair for instance?" Is this the first perverse coded Noel dig? 

Paul: It might be the NME. Which makes it less intriguing.

Soon Come Tomorrow

Brendan: Another downbeat song, but mostly successful. Very Noel-like guitars on it. Though the producer's contribution seems to be pressing the "Space Effect" button on his Casio keyboard.

Paul: The directions on how to smoke a joint are a little superfluous (“Oh, DON’T drop it? God, I’m sorry. I had no idea …”), but it’s a good tune. I do like the line, “What kind of love burns holes in your heart?” The whole thing builds nicely. Solid mid-album song.

Iz Rite

Paul: Well, first I want to say I’m glad I interviewed Edgar Jones last year so I was introduced to the titular phrase. One of the main things I’ve noticed in reviews or fan comments since the Oasis split—and I’ve made this argument myself—is that with Noel Gallagher, you have the big memorable choruses. But the problem with saying that is that it sells Beady Eye short, because “The Roller” had a catchy chorus and my indifference toward “The Beat Goes On” aside, that song had one too. This song has a pretty damn majestic chorus. Maybe it won’t remembered like a “So Sally can wait …” (and that’s not even my favorite part of “Don’t Look Back in Anger,” mind you) but when this song goes into that “When you call my name” bit, I think it’s fantastic. Maybe Beady Eye don’t rattle off the arm-around-your-best-friend choruses as naturally as Noel does, but it’s dumb to say “they don’t have choruses.” Lots of great songs don’t have choruses. It’s a lazy argument to make. OK. Just had to get that off my chest.

Brendan: Youz right. Iz rite is way cooler than Is Right. Though perhaps the label's copywriter is holding up the US release because of that issue. I like this song. Has a sunny AM radio vibe.

I'm Just Saying

Brendan: You can feel those old rock bones starting to loosen up on this song. One of the better rockers on this album. And (I'm sure it matters to you) conducive to my running. In this song Liam seems to be just saying that "this" is his time in the spotlight and his time to shine. As the frontman of a famous rock band (especially still in the UK) like Oasis, I find it pretty comical that Liam feels he's been shortchanged. I know he doesn't get any songwriting credit and he got cast pretty early as his older brother's drunk dancing monkey, but still, he's gotten plenty of shine and love from his lead singer abilities. I also want to point out that this song once again proves that counting off, "1-2-3" always works for some reason in rock songs.

Paul: Yes, as soon as Gem and Liam started their call and response game at the end of this song, I smiled. And I was trying to find parking on Division Street in Wicker Park, which typically is not an activity that’s particularly conducive to smiling. Love the counting. This soars where “Face the Crowd” kind of sputters. This is their wheelhouse, I think—proper rock and roll that doesn’t fall into the trap of being too self-conscious or self-aware. Twenty-something rock and rollers can do that no problem. It’s a lot harder to pull it off with any authenticity another twenty years later.
  
Don’t Brother Me

Paul: OK, we finally get the no-question-about-it song about Noel. Given Liam’s John Lennon complex and some of the things he’s said about big brother in interviews over the past 2 years, I have to hand it to him for not taking a blowtorch to a gas station and going down the “How Do You Sleep?” route. There are digs in here (and I do like the “Did you shoot your gun?” line), but on the other hand, the song doesn’t really say anything. He starts off taunting, then suggests they give peace a chance. Now, anyone with a sibling will understand that dichotomy, but I don’t know that it needs to be crystallized in song. So what’s the point? To start a song-about-you exchange with Noel? Cos for every quasi-interesting Neil Young/Lynyrd Skynyrd-style exchange you get 10 other “fight” songs that make you just go, “Oh stop being a f*cking baby and sing about girls or some other cosmic nonsense” (off the top of my head … Roland Orzabal’s “Fish Out of Water” about Curt Smith, and his former Tears For Fears partner’s reply in the form of “Sun King” … is it embarrassing to know that?). Noel and Liam have never minced words about each other at any time in their public lives. Why do we need songs about it? And doesn’t writing a song about it just make every interview come around to more questions about Noel? Silly move. Nevertheless, quite a good musical backdrop. Love that bass. Don’t know that it needs to go on 4 minutes longer than it probably should, but for as “out there” as this album was supposed to be, this is really the only moment of gratuitous overindulgence. The end of “Soul Love” is a bit overindulgent, but not to this level. Eh ... after 20 years in the biz, I’ll let the guy have 4 minutes of gratuitous overindulgence. 

Brendan: Yes. As a diss track. Nas & Jaz-Z this isn't. I am curious that you'll forgive the four minutes of overindulgence based on 20 years of time served. Didn't the entire Be Here Now sessions punch every ticket on their overindulgence card for all time?

Paul: I’m the wrong person to ask. I bought Be Here Now the day it came out in 1997. I was 14 years old with a Liam-in-“Wonderwall”-video haircut (and I STILL wear it well). I believed it then and I believe it now: IT WASN’T LOUD OR LONG ENOUGH!!!!!

Shine a Light

Brendan: Somewhere in Manchester, Noel listens to this song and says, "Oy, shining is MY thing. I write fookin' songs 'bout shining and lights. I'll show him." Then he quickly books studio time to record three unreleased albums about nothing but shining lights on souls.

Paul: … but they’re all midtempo dirges until they get to the chorus and Jeremy Stacey whacks the snare on every beat of the 4/4 rhythm! And that, kids, is how to make a Noel Gallagher-post 2005 song. At least Sharrock gets to unleash Bo Diddley’s old “patted juba” rhythm, which is fun. Actually, this song feels like it’s longer than it needs to be to me. Maybe because Bo Diddley didn’t often crack 3 minutes, and when I hear that rhythm, I’m trained to think, “Cool. This’ll be short and sweet.”

Ballroom Figured

Paul: I like the title, and this is a fine little song, but it just feels out of place to me. You got the nice closing ballad up next and if you look at the second half of this album, it’s actually dominated by acoustic guitars. I know that’s another sign of rock-star aging, but these guys banged out “I’m Just Saying” 3 tracks ago and it hasn’t been THAT long since “Four Letter Word.” I feel like there should’ve been a proper cosmic stomper here to lead you into the sweet finale that follows. Since it’s not, it feels like an incidental prelude to the finale instead of a song that stands in its own right. 

Brendan: Yes. At this point the depression sets in that we're not going to at least get another "Roller" or "Millionaire" on the record. Great title. Any info on what's a Liam song or one of the other band members?

Paul: I think “Soul Love,” “Don’t Brother Me,” and “Start Anew” are Liam’s.

Start Anew

Brendan: Liam's voice sounds particularly sweet in this song. Did he swear off cigarettes for a week prior to recording or is there a new Nicotine-free app on Pro-Tools? Nice capper, and like most Oasis albums, it sends us off on a magic carpet ride to a place of cosmic peace and love... or the pub. Either works. 

Paul: His voice is working better with acoustics these days. Well, it always has really. Watch some early Oasis acoustic versions of “Live Forever” and compare those to the acoustic session Beady Eye just did for Oui FM. I think he thinks he has a better rock voice, and maybe he does, but when he pulls back, it’s great. And yes, this is a great capper. Aside from “Better Man” off Heathen Chemistry, I think every song Liam’s written that’s closed an album (“Soldier On,” “The Morning Son,” “Start Anew”) have all been great ending notes. He knows how to seal the deal. This is fantastic.

The Extras …

Paul: Another pretty solid set of B-side material. “Dreaming of Some Space” is just an old Stone Roses trick and “The World’s Not Set in Stone” tries to punch a little above it's weight. But “Back After the Break,” “Off at the Next Exit” and “Evil Eye” are all incredibly solid. I’d have swapped “Evil Eye” for the “Ballroom Figured” spot on the album.

Brendan: You didn't mention "Girl in Uniform"? I think that was my favorite of the bonus tracks. I detected a very Kink's influence I figured you'd appreciate. Perhaps "Nothing in this World Can Stop Me Worrying 'Bout That Girl".

Paul: Ah, I did forget "Girls in Uniform." You're right. It is Kinks-y, but that outro got me. That's the one that made me say, "Enough. Stop tape." I'd have really adored it if it was a 2-minute-ish allusion to a Kinda Kinks-era track.

Overall

Paul: It’s solid. It’s not perfect by any means, but I think it’s a definite advancement on Different Gear, Still Speeding, and I think it stands up to Noel’s album very well. The problem is I think most people have made up their mind about Beady Eye and won’t give it too much of a chance, now that the general public media has determined Noel the elder statesman of rock and the recipient of all the post-Oasis goodwill spoils. But I’m interested to see how this album gets reassessed 10 years or so down the road. I honestly see a lot of parallels to McCartney’s Ram, where, when it came out, a lot of critics were like, “What in the hell …” but fans held to it and spread the word. Now it’s kind of revered as the birth of indie. I don’t think BE is the rebirth of indie, but I do think it’s going to fall into that “This is actually pretty amazing” spectrum of reverence. It's an underdog album, and a damn good one at that. Music fans have a tendency throughout history to find those albums and give them the belated praise they deserved in the first place. The only problem (or maybe it's a benefit, depending on how you look at it) is all the songs that could be on the 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition are already on the Japanese version. Here’s hoping Beady Eye can jump right to a Band on the Run next instead of taking an ill-advised Wild Life detour. 

Brendan: It is solid, but I don't know if I didn't prefer Different Gear, Still Speeding and the extra production and tender loving care given to this album wasn't a misstep. I know artists love when critics offer their opinion on what they "should have done", but I thought or was hoping that Beady Eye (formed out of the ashes of Oasis) would dig further into their 60s roots and put out one of those old school 60s Yardbirds-type albums with some rockers and some covers. Take advantage of their strengths of a good rock lead singer and a tight band, and not try to out Noel Noel.

Thanks Paul for sharing your enthusiasm with me!

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