While the eyes of the home viewers of the Academy Awards last Sunday were fixated on Angelina Jolie’s “White Leg of Death”, we at On the Bald Spot had our sites set on the rejuvenated pate of the host, Billy Crystal.
And when the topic turns to hair work, we at On the Bald Spot turn to our resident wigologist, the dreamweaver himself, Jeffrey Wolinski.
Brendan: Thanks from joining us, Jeffrey. Let’s get right down to it. Billy Crystal. What did your trained eyes see? Thoughts?
Jeffrey: Thoughts? More like intense form of meditation. I thought he looked surprisingly good in the face which definitely says he got shot up like Sonny Corleone with Botox just before the show to get that face tighter than a snare drum.
Brendan: Oh, no doubt. He definitely went full “Kidman” in regards to the Botox. But what about that head chock full of “Curly’s Gold”?
Jeffrey: Black gold!
Brendan: I mean what was that?
Jeffrey: My spies tell me that the black substance that covered his hair was flown in directly from the Kuwaiti oil fields. It was black, deep black. NASA is sending a satellite into the blackness of his hair just to see if there is life somewhere in it.
Brendan: Actually, I got up really close to our HD TV screen, and from an inch away, I'm pretty sure I could see the tell tale space between the scalp and the hairline. Which means one the thing…
Jeffrey: Ding, ding, ding, we’ve got a wig!
Brendan: When Harry met Baldy.
Jeffrey: I believe you are right about the wig. Not Kristen Wiig, which is just as bad. I thought it was just extremely aggressive hair work that would make Steven Seagal blush, but now that you mention it, it had to be a wig! It was too dense.
Brendan: I’m telling you, I could have slipped a spatula under that thing.
Jeffrey: I need to rewatch it to see the Frankenstein cap that was applied to his head. In fact, I need to see it right now!
Brendan: OK, but first, one more question... Jeffrey? Jeffrey?
(Ed. Note- I lost contact with Jeffrey and have been unable to reestablish any communication since. One can only assume he’s rerunning the Oscar footage on loop with his eyes pried open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.)
See you next time on the Bald Spot!
