We're back with another look at the week of James Van Der Beek that was. Of course, here at JVDB Central, we're still buzzing over the brilliance of season one of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 or as I like to call it, Two Chicks and a Beek. But, we also aim to cover all things James-related and that means former Dawson's Creek cast members.
And no cast member is more in the news than the one girl who played Dawson's (and mine) first love Joey Porter. Of course, I mean, Katie Holmes and her recent underpublicized divorce from thespian, Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.
Since the root of conflict seems to be the controverisial religion Scientology, I contacted our resident Scientology expert, Jeffrey Wolinski, a man who really knows his thetans from his engrams, to help clear everything up.
BRENDAN: Thanks for joining us, Jeffrey. Before we start, can I ask what this crazy machine is that you've got me hooked up to?
JEFFREY: It's called an E-Meter, just relax.
BRENDAN: Fair enough. My first question is if there is truth to the rumor that Sea Org planned Suri Cruise to be a child bride for Xenu with instructions to seduce then ultimately destroy the evil alien ruler, thus freeing the millions of thetans (souls) that he holds captive?
JEFFREY: That’s a completely preposterous idea that the Sea Orgs would devise a plan that would make Suri Cruise the child bride of Xenu with the main purpose of destroying the evil alien to release the thetans. It was actually the Commodore’s Messenger Organization. Get your god damn facts straight!
BRENDAN: It has been reported by the respectable US Weekly, that Holmes reached such a favorable settlement with Tom Mapother (Cruise) because Mr. Mapother (Cruise) is hiding something and she knows his secrets. Any leak on what those secrets may be?
JEFFREY: His smile and laugh, which are one in the same. Not many people know the reason why Tom Cruise (Mapother) joined the Church of Scientology. The reason was Tom had a major problem with his flatulence. Yes, it is true. It was Tom Cruise’s uncontrollable farting that drove him to Scientology. The tools and technology at the Church of Scientology helped him figure out a way to put a beard on his stinky problem. He was able to convert his noxious gases into a visually pleasing manifestation—a smile and laugh. So every time you see him flash that over the top smile and release that evil-ish laugh…….he’s farting.BRENDAN: Is there any truth to the idea floated, that Cruise's latest movie, Rock of Ages, was a purposeful unseen bomb with the sole purpose of "clearing" the movie going public?
JEFFREY: Listen, the Bridge to Total Freedom is not an easy bridge to cross, especially if it is a drawbridge lifting so it can let the passing Sea Org ships come into harbor. That movie was for the “Preclear” public only. Any person who saw that movie, who has been previously classified as “Clear”, should start getting their tin cans in their hand and start the auditing process all over again. That movie will mess you up man.
BRENDAN: Does the Botox in Nicole Kidman's face allow her to register shock at her ex-husband's latest divorce?JEFFREY: I am convinced that Nicole Kidman does not remember anything beyond the first day of rehearsals for Days of Thunder. Yes, that’s how powerful he is.
BRENDAN: Now that Katie Holmes is free of Scientology's grip, where does her career go from here?
JEFFREY: The only chance Holmes has of sharing screen time with a major actor is when she FaceTimes Michelle Williams.
BRENDAN: Now that she's left the Scientology cult of Hollywood, do you think director Christopher Nolan with digitally erase Holmes from Batman Begins?
JEFFREY: No need. The movie going public has already erased her crooked face and horrible performance from their mind. Although, I believe Mr. Nolan is in the process of digitally removing the sad turtle (Ed. Note- Maggie Gyllenhaal, that's cruel Jeff!) that replaced her in The Dark Knight.
BRENDAN. It is said that Scientologists sign a billion year contract, do you think the religion will try to "buy out" Kirstie Alley's contract early?JEFFREY: This is true although Ms. Alley misinterpreted the contract from the beginning. She thought it was a billion “pound” contract, so ever since Runaway she has been secretly stuffing her once beautiful face with various forms of fat. For years she talked about how the Church could possibly “eat out” her contract but that would never happen if she would eat it first.
BRENDAN: Moving on to more JVDB-related topics, any truth to the rumor that James Van Der Beek's giant head is a manifestation of Xenu and Cruise only married little Joey Porter in an effort to "get inside Dawson's head?"
JEFFREY: It always makes me chuckle a bit when I hear that question, because I hear it a lot. Actually, it’s Joe Buck’s forehead that is the manifestation of Xenu. People always seem to get Van Der Beek’s massive head and Joe Buck’s never ending forehead confused. It’s fine…It’s an honest mistake.
JEFFREY: Because the size of his head, James Van Der Beek’ has “landed” the role of the runway in the Top Gun sequel and due to his complete lack of charisma and vapidness Joshua Jackson will not be cast at all. I have heard that Val Kilmer will not be in the sequel to Top Gun. He has traded the cockpit for the BBQ pit.
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| The last known photograph taken of Jeffrey Wolinski |
Anyway, I haven't seen him since. I'm a little worried. If you're still out there, Jeffrey, please call!
Have a great rest of your Van Der Week everyone!
