Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Paul vs. Brendan- Tame Impala


It's time again for another track-by-track album review with my good friend Paul Snyder, a senior editor of a national magazine, Britpop and Northern Soul connoisseur and founder of the essential music blog http://transatlanticmodern.com/. A man that was more excited for the Ram reissue than any of Paul McCartney's ex-wives past or future.

Psychedelic Australian rock band Tame Impala had a huge critical hit last year with it's second album, Lonerism. I asked Paul his thoughts and he implied that he was pondering a leadership position in the Tame Impala is Overrated Backlash Brigade. Curious, I thought, because bands that sound like the Beatles (as Tame Impala does) is PRECISELY where Paul houses his wheels.

I asked Sir Paul to expand on his thoughts and the following spirited debate ensued...

Be Above It

Brendan: Right from the start, Tame Impala's lead singer Kevin Parker's (who plays everything on the album and basically IS Tame Impala like Trent Reznor IS Nine Inch Nails) intent for the album is clear. He wants you to put on your Beats by Dre headphones and really take a trip and space out with the music.

We might as well get this out of the way at the top, but after the whispering chant of "Gotta be above it" when his voice comes in with, "And you know I've gotta be above it now", if I didn't know better, I would have said that it was John Lennon sample. The dude sounds EXACTLY like John Lennon. It sounds like some John Lennon software was downloaded into Pro Tools and he just typed in new lyrics.

As an expert on the Beatles and bands that sorta- sounds like the Beatles, how does this make you feel? Especially when you throw in that Lonerism seems to be a real attempt to make Revolver for the 21st century. I say that knowing that almost no album is as good as Revolver, even Revolver isn't as good as Revolver.

And I'll throw in one more comment for you to chew on: I think that Lonerism, warts and all, is fascinating because I think that if the Beatles were starting right now and they locked themselves in a bedroom with MacBooks to make Revolver and kicked out George Martin this is probably what it would sound like (assuming they only used John's vocal tracks). Overlong, and little messy, sure.

Paul: Every time my music snob friends ask me my opinion on Tame Impala and I say, “It’s alright, I guess, but I don’t really like it,” I get this look from them like I might as well have said, “I’m having a baby. And it’s yours.” Just this sheer inability to comprehend mixed with mild, but discernible panic. I’ll admit that part of my wariness of the band has to do with this blanket “They’re awesome and there’s nothing more to debate” praise they get, but since you bring up Revolver and the issue of “overlong,” here’s the difference: Revolver has 14 songs and clocks in at about 35 minutes. Lonerism has 12 songs and clocks in at about 52 minutes. The difference is wasted space. The Beatles didn’t really waste space on Revolver (I’m prepared to defend Yellow Submarine if I have to), aside from maybe the sitar intro to “Love You To.”

Every time Kevin Parker and the guys land on some bass line or vocal melody or other such idea that absolutely enchants me (and there are plenty on Lonerism and there were on Innerspeaker), they flit away from it a minute later to continue building this abstract sonic painting. I’m more interested in songs than I am sounds.


Endors Toi

Paul: What I said before about sounds and songs. This is just sounds to me. There’s some good drumming in there, and I know there’s singing, but it might as well be in Mandarin, because everything just gets so washed under this flange effect. George Martin wouldn’t have marred a Beatles song like this. Even if he was 23 and in his parents basement with his MacBook Air. I don’t think Giles Martin would do this. However, I wouldn’t put it past Lennon to do something like this. And maybe that’s the point

Brendan: Listening to this in the car it does kind wash over you, but I think the track is greatly improved when listened to on headphones, especially simultaneously reading up on what "flanging" means. Here's the pretty interesting Wikipedia entry for readers out there: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flanging. Interesting reference since George Martin and Lennon are credited with inventing the "flange effect" (think "Tomorrow Never Knows").

Apocalypse Dreams

Brendan: I think of the first three songs as a part of an unofficial suite, culminating in this pretty epic song that I already know drives you a little crazy and is probably ground zero in terms of running time, bloat, overproduction, and some pretty great-sounding music. The first three minutes of the song is a really cool northern soul-type song with some mild spacey effects. Great momentum and a lot of fun. I would have been happy with another few minutes of this, but the second clearly-defined half is straight Planetarium light show "rock" muzak. Ones reaction to this is probably in direct proportion to how much weed you smoked while listening and if you happen to be sitting on a beanbag chair in a college dorm room in front of a black light poster with empty boxes of Gumby's Pokey Sticks strewn about.

I'll cede the rest of my time to you to fire your big artillery on this track...

Paul: This defines everything great and awful about Tame Impala for me. The first 3 minutes are solid. There is absolutely no reason to have anything on this track beyond the 3-minute mark. Even without horns, that bassline and piano movement is enough to make it the best Northern Soul song in years, but instead of just deciding “Too much of a good thing is bad,” they do that idea one better by tacking on “…so here’s some masturbatory noodling because we like turning the little knobs on the mixing desk. A lot. So kiss our collective ass, Paul Snyder.” They can land on something genius, but they never stick to it. I don’t know if it’s an insurmountable fear of being considered too commercial or just a disinterest in simple pop hooks, but it’s just a great track wasted. Maybe there’s a single edit that cuts at 3 minutes. I could just get that and put it on the ol’ iPod.

Mind Mischief Watch the Video NSFW

Paul: This was a single right? If I listen to this song on its own, it’s tolerable. I actually like the riff, and again it’s good drumming. Although it’s more of a constant fill than a regular backbeat, and in that, it incessantly feels like it’s building to some big grand chorus. We get to the big falsetto at 2:23, but doesn’t it feel like it takes a lot longer to get there? If I listen to it in the context of the album, I’m so still pissed off by the second half of “Apocalypse Dreams” that I can’t really get into it. And again we get the big flange to wash out the last minute of the song. It kind of reminds me of how that story of the first time Robby Krieger played “Moonlight Drive” with his bottleneck slide. And Jim Morrison freaked out and goes “We have to use that on EVERY track.” Thankfully they didn’t—those kind of effects are cooler if they’re used sparingly. Sparingly, Kevin. Sparingly.

Brendan: I think at this point, Tame Impala is like, "What's up, mate. Don't you like these Harrison riffs? Our triple-tracked Liverpool vocals? Ringo drumming? Our mid 60's tape effects? This should be right up your alley? This is your alley, mate!"

You mention the drumming, and I think it's a big strength on the album since I think the incessant and dryly-recorded drums really grounds the songs and keeps them from potentially floating out there into the ether of magical psychedelic land. That said, I will give you that the "big flange wash out" is a great slam and I can't help but hear it every time I listen to the album. Well played.

Music To Walk Home By

Brendan: I think Kevin Parker's been working to get the "Tomorrow Never Knows" vibe and effect through all the tracks of the album so far, and I think this track finally gets the prog-rock Beatles mix just right.

This is a fun sunny track, and I think in general, despite all the heavy production and navel gazing, in general, the music itself is fun and sunny.

Paul: Yes, this is a sunny track and would be nice to walk home by. Would be nicer if the lyrics were a little more discernible. I’ll go with you that the drumming is a strength on this album. I like it a lot on this track too. But again, there’s no need for this track to push the 5 minutes mark. It doesn’t feature the complete change of direction that Kevin figured was appropriate for “Apocalypse Dreams,” so that’s something. At least it’s hanging on to a core groove. Nevertheless, I’d say at least the last minute here is completely superfluous. This whole album is begging for a Lonerism: The Paul Snyder Single Mixes reissue.

Why Won’t They Talk To Me?

Paul: It sounds like more 1980s than 1960s to me. But I doubt John Hughes would’ve even touched it for one of his Brat Pack movie soundtracks. Sounds just a little too self-indulgently sad. Also, basically from 1:40 on, it’s almost exclusively repeating, “Ah, why won’t they talk to me?” If it was a 2 or 3 minute song, that’s one thing, but it’s a 4:47 song! That’s 3 minutes of just repeating the same thing over and over. I got mad when I listened to this in the car. I wish I could say I screamed “BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY!” to no one as it played, but I only just thought of that. And he does have some interesting things to say. Just not on this track. This track still makes me angry.

Brendan: For an album titled Lonerism you could say that Parker repeating "Why won't they talk to me?" over and over might be a tad "on the nose", but I think it's actually the nose itself. He does sing "but I don't really care anyway" which I think is really funny in it's disingenuousness.

Good or bad, I find this song a serious earworm. At some point during the four hundred times he sings, "Why won't they talk to me?" I notice I've been singing along the whole time. I look at my watch and 16 hours have gone by. A series of lap dissolves. White clouds race across a blue sky. My pupils dilate. A flock of birds fly out of a leafless tree. I'm lying on a beach. I see an old music box. I open it. I hear, "Why won't they talk to me? Why won't they talk to me. Why won't they talk to me." I wake up. The track is finally over.

Feels Like We Only Go Backwards Watch the Video

Brendan: This is the first track I heard by Tame Impala (and I don't think I'm alone in this) but it was one of those tire screech moments where you go, "Who is that?" And you look it up online and you find out it's something called Tame Impala and you discover that all the music snobs have already hailed both of their albums and they're in the backlash phase already and you go, "Where have I been?"

I remember having a similar reaction when I heard "It's Not the End of the World?" by the Super Furry Animals. It's also a similar sort of song. Very dreamy and beautiful. While not my favorite track per se, I think this is probably the song that you'd play for someone who wanted to know what Tame Impala sounds like. Also probably the one who'd put on a mix tape.

Paul: It’s easily the standout track. It’s contained to the length of a perfect pop single, it doesn’t wander anywhere off its track in an infuriating fit of A.D.D. and the bassline is absolutely wonderful too. And yes, the Tame Impala fans are rather persnickety if you say you like this track, but I suppose I can forgive them, cos I would get the same way with people who used to say, “Oh, Oasis? Yeah I like ‘Wonderwall.’”


What caught me offguard was a couple months ago my oldest friend and I were having a conversation about this whole album, and he’s just blown away by it. Really smitten. “Kevin Parker, this production, it’s the future, no one else is doing it …” Putting aside my need to talk about pretty much every underground psychedelic single release between 1967 and 1969 and say this is basically just a 2012 update in the way the Chemical Brothers’ “Setting Sun” was a 1996 update of “Tomorrow Never Knows,” he went on to say, “Oh ‘Feels Like We Only Go Backwards’ is probably my least favorite song on the album. I’m surprised it’s your favorite.” I repeat: this dude is my oldest friend. He knows my preference for good hooks and hummable melodies. Has for many years. But thought I would prefer one of the aimless, overflanged 6-minute escapades to this. There’s nothing wrong with being conventional. You just can’t do it all the time. Just like it’s annoying to be unconventional all the time.

Keep on Lying

Paul: Oh, hooray another 6-minute odyssey and they’re courteous enough to let us join in the middle of the actual “song” part. As a result, we get about 1:46 of a song (Not a bad song-length mind, you. Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs’ “Stay” doesn’t even touch 1:40 and look how we remember it), but instead of just cutting tape and having done, we get 4 more minutes of ambient cocktail party noise so we can noodle on this riff a little more. I mean a lot more. If I’m sitting on my La-Z Boy, under the influence of something and content to just let music play on underneath whatever weird game of Tetris my mind conjures up (high ... I think I'm doing it wrong), that’s fine, but if I’m putting on music to be entertained, the original recording of “Witch Doctor” is going to lap this quickly. This is just masturbatory. Least favorite on the album. And it makes me suspicious of anyone who calls Lonerism classic.

Brendan: I can't tell you how happy I am to see that it was your turn when this track came up. It's like the hanging curveball you've been waiting for all game. Everything you said is probably right. It's like Parker (and producer Dave Fridman) knew that they had their Revolver bases covered and decided to check off their Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon bonafides just to give rock critics a little something extra to help their reviews along. I believe referencing Dark Side is F6 on rock critic's keyboards.

I also want to point out (and start a false rumor) that if you sync up the third "Gotta be above it" from the first track on the album to the company logo in the opening credits of Donnie Darko, Lonersim plays as a perfect soundtrack. Don't believe me? Try it for yourself college-age millennial stoners!

Paul: To perpetuate the rumor, that’s another reason for me to hate (hate, HATE) Donnie Darko.

Elephant Watch the Video

Brendan: This is my favorite track on the album. After finally tiring of fiddling with all the software add-ons on his Pro Tools, Parker decides to put the laptop down, pick up the guitar, and rock the fuck out.

I love the fuzzy lumbering guitar, the drum rolls, the cymbal crashes. Lots of good old fashioned big dick rock star swagger. I even love the Ray Manzerek "Light My Fire"-esque (our second Doors reference in this blog) meets ? & the Mysterians keyboard interlude in the middle. Then Parker comes back strong with my favorite lyric on the album, "He pulled the mirrors off his Cadillac (YEAH)/'Cause he doesn't like it looking like he looks back."

This song WILL for better or worse at some point show up in car (maybe not Cadillac) or Nike or cell phone commercials (paging Vanessa Mackey) and maybe in twenty years it will take over from the White Stripes "Seven Nation Army" as the the go-to stadium rock song ("Seven Nation Army" finally taking the mantle after a long runs by Gary Glitter and Queen).

It also probably is something best left unsaid, but I will say it anyway because I know you want to hear it: "Elephant" led off my running mix this summer.

Paul: I was waiting to hear your justification for that passing mention about using this album to soundtrack your runs. I get using “Elephant,” though. It’s a good track. I don’t think it’s as melodic or thoroughly gorgeous as “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards,” but it’s coming from a different place, and lord knows I can appreciate a bit of big-dick rock star swagger now and again. I don’t think there’s any way for me to say that without sounding questionable. Dammit. It is a good lyric and is just as applicable for a good night out as it is for a SportsCenter “Top Plays” montage. When you can bridge those two circumstances, you’ve got it, friend. Good keyboard break in the middle, doesn’t stray off path as some of their other interludes do. Oh and look at that. 3:30! I swear to God, I have a point with this “Keep it focused and under 4 minutes” mantra I keep hammering home here. Even the cut ending! They literally stopped tape. And it’s a brilliant ending for the song. When that Lonerism: The Paul Snyder Single Mixes release comes as a bonus disc on the 10th anniversary reissue of this, “Elephant” will be left as is.  

She Just Won’t Believe Me

Paul: And then to taunt my “Keep it focused and under 4 minutes” mantra, they give me this. So fuck them.

Here’s a story for you. When I was in third or fourth grade, I decided to “make an album” with my friend (this is the same friend I mentioned earlier—the one who’s least favorite track on the album is “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards”). If I was in third or fourth grade, he’d have been in first or second. We just started making up words and melodies and singing them into a little one-speaker tape player while banging on a toy drum and strumming open strings on a guitar. This was making an album at that time. But here’s the thing: We had a Maxell 60-minute blank tape. And all the tapes of albums we bought at that time were cut to fit the length of the album, right? So 30 minutes a side … I can’t imagine we had more than 14 “songs” that probably (mercifully) topped out at 2 minutes apiece. So we’d have this lump of 15 minutes or more of blank tape at the end of each side. So we found weird sound effects on this big 1980s synthesizer and just hit keys at random for 15 minutes. Neither of us could play a damn thing. Now he can play anything, and I can play some things. But at the time, a synthesizer was no more than “Wow, that’s a lot of buttons. Let’s just press them for 15 minutes. That’ll be fun to listen to.” I must have been 9 years old. And when we played it back, I thought “This is not fun to listen to.” And I haven’t listened to it since.

But now I kind of want to dig it out of whatever box it’s in (I can’t imagine I threw it out), because I’m sure that somewhere  in those 15 minutes, we stumbled upon “She Just Won’t Believe Me.” And Kevin Parker can expect a call from my lawyer, because writing isn’t making me a crazy amount of money.  This is a worthless track. But at least it’s under 1 minute.

Brendan: With all this talk about running times, I suspect you're not excited about the new Arcade Fire album, Reflektor. It runs one track more and is TWENTY minutes longer than Lonerism. You can just smell the fat sizzling. You probably should call up Win Butler and offers your remix services.

To be honest, after the clipped ending of "Elephant" I would have been perfectly satisfied with the album ending right there but ... wait, I'm totally burying the lead here, you and your buddy used to make two-sided albums when you were seven years old????

Once you dig that up, let's review that track-by-track next!

Sample Criticism: There's way too much treble on the Speak & Spell in this track. And sure, "write what you know" is always prudent advice, but do we really need three straight songs about boogers? I liked the "Hot Cross Buns" played-on-the-recorder outro, but I'm still missing the hummable melodies... "Sally's Got Cooties" is the "Positively 4th Street" of broken elementary school engagement songs.

Paul: I was 9. He was 7. So I brought a level of maturity to the record that might otherwise have been lacking. Of course, now that I think about it, “Sally’s Got Cooties” has been dormant way too long. Time to break that out of mothballs and turn it into a single.

Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Anything Has Been Anything We Could Control

Brendan: ... Is what the rest of the non-Kevin Parker Tame Impala band members said during the recording sessions.

I suspect this track is one that your friend likes a lot instead of the more immediate "Elephant" or “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards.” The production is really interesting. It's like the drums and vocals are trying to punch through deep fog vocal effects and invisible parabolas of audio trickery. It kind of reminded me of something off of the Avalanches Since I Met You, which is kind of a weird comparison to make.

Paul: I’m going to back to what you said about ending the album after “Elephant,” because I think there’s a cogent point to be made for that. Not only does it shave about 13 minutes of running time off, but it keeps the whole thing marginally more focused. I’ve listened to this song at least 10 times since first hearing the album and even now as I have to write these comments about it, and I promise you that in 5 minutes, I’ll forget how this goes. Even with bad or mediocre albums, you can hear a forgettable track and go, “Oh right, the sad acoustic one,” or “Oh right, the one that’s kind of like ‘Beat on the Brat,’” but there’s no distinguishing factor here. “The spacey one.” “The one washed in reverb.” I mean, Christ, even if you say, “The one with talking in the middle,” it could be that cocktail party song from earlier. And again, this is 6 minutes of … what? Which one is this one? Every time I listen to this album, my patience has long since run out by this point. I don’t know if this is one of my buddy’s favorites, but if it is, I might just have to pull out that “album” we made when we were 9 and 7 respectively and remind him what memorable music is.

Sun’s Coming Up

Paul: Is it supposed to steal the Zombies’ “A Rose For Emily”? I’m sure it is. Had they cut it at 2:40 it probably would’ve been an OK closer. Not as good as leaving the whole thing done after “Elephant,” but the piano outro song is a tried and true method when it comes to making an LP. Appropriately for them, we get one last hit of A.D.D. and some weird guitar noodling while a horse wanders through some old west town. It’s a propos of nothing, it’s not really all that interesting, in fact it’s a little jarring after what had been at least a mildly interesting ripoff of a Zombies song and it’s more than a little infuriating to me.


Brendan: I think this song is interesting because it reveals something that we've been circling the whole time: would the album have been better without all the audio production doodads, and the songs were left alone unvarnished? This track (minus the end debris) is probably the least "produced" on the album and the vocals are the least processed. And it's not great or even that interesting. This is the sort of upright piano song that John or Paul or even Thom Yorke of Radiohead would knock out of the ballpark. It's crucial that a lead singer/wanna-be-genius who uses a lot of sonic trickery in their albums show that they can still knock out the simple piano ballad.

As for the end bit, it's like producer Dave Fridmann told Parker at then end of their last mastering day that he still had some odds n' ends from when he produced Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots for the Flaming Lips and Parker said, "Whatever, dude. Just throw it on at the end."

Overall

Paul: After our Beady Eye review and some loose talk about giving some other albums this treatment, I know the M.O. here was to talk about something I didn’t like, so I’m glad we chose Lonerism. I actually didn’t like this album even more than I realized. I just thought it was overrated. Now I actually realize that, on the whole, it’s a pretty weak effort. If you like soundscapes and psychedelic-tinged background music, then Lonerism is good for you. If you actually like songs, hooks and interesting structures, download “Apocalypse Dreams” (but cut it at the 3 minute mark with one of your Apple editing programs), “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards” and “Elephant.” That would be a solid EP. But Lonerism on the whole plays like a boring waste of money. Especially if you’ve just got to have it on vinyl, which I’m sure most of you do.

Brendan: No, I did not listen to it on vinyl. I find it too difficult to jog with a turntable strapped to my back. The needle keeps skipping. Actually that sounds like a good Onion headline: "30-Year-Old Hipster Prefers More Intimate Sounds Quality While Training for the Chicago Marathon."

Overall, even though I feel I agreed with you on a lot of points like it was a 2nd presidential debate, I did enjoy the album. Lonerism is infuriating and messy and kinda exhausting, but I still respect the ambition and it has those two killer tracks that are still lodged in my shuffle playlist.

I really enjoyed watching you tear Tame Impala from limb to limb.

Thanks, Paul.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Sharknado!


Last week, Syfy's original movie Sharknado took social media (especially Twitter) by storm. Why Sharknado hit the cultural meme bulls-eye instead of other Syfy shlock classics like 2-Head Shark Attack or Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras we'll never know.

I sat down to watch Sharknado and live blogged the entire thing. Watching with me is my wife, Molly, who was REALLY excited to see it. One thing you should know about my wife is that she's really into extreme weather, real or imagined.

The purpose this live blog serves for you, dear reader, is three-fold:

1. You can read along while watching the film. 2. You've heard people talk about it and you want to pretend that you've seen it, too. 3. You really don't want to waste your life watching a movie about a tornado that has sharks in it, but you still want to make jokes about it with your friends and you need a nice collection of jokes you can steal free of charge.

The following live blog contains SPOILERS.

-Here we go.

-20 miles off the coast of Mexico. Are there any documented sharknados in Mexico?

-We’re on a boat with a guy with Spanish Russian accent and an Asian dude. They’re negotiating something. Probably their contracts with the producers.

-The weather is freshening, smells like tunanado weather. They wish.

-The storms too strong. Got to go around it. You can't outrun a sharknado.


-A shark boards the boat and starts eating a dude. Molly: Awesome!

-Asian guy is shot, drops a case of Monopoly money and then is eaten by a shark. Then the shooter with the bad Russian Spanish accent is swept up in a sharknado and killed. Dorothy had it easy.

-Cut to: THE BEACH!

-Credit sequence:

Tara Reid (American Pie, TMZ) as April Wexler.

Cassie Scerbo (Bring it On: In It To Win It) as Nova Clarke.

John Heard (Home Alone) as George.

Jaason Simmons (Logan Fowler on Baywatch) as Baz.

AND Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders on Beverly Hills 90210) as Fin Shepard

- The beach scenes remind Molly of a particular vollyball scene in 90210 when they worked at the beach club and then Saved by the Bell did the same thing. Molly is really fired up about this.

-Ian Ziering had more hair when 90210 premiered in 1990, but curiously, he has more hair now then when it ended in 2000. He’s a surfer in the movie. It looks like he's wearing Dylan McKay's wetsuit.

-Clouds are coming in. Shark clouds.


-We’re in a seaside bar owned by Ian Ziering's character. Nova Clarke is a waitress. She’s wearing a bikini. Cassie Scerbo’s is providing the T & A since Tara Reid’s new breasts are apparently still on layaway at Cedars-Sinai.

-Fun fact about Cassie Scerbo: she was born in 1990 in Long Island, NY. Strong Island represent!

-John Heard is playing a drunk. He grabs Nova Clarke’s ass (not sure if this was in the script). She has shark-like teeth mark scars on her ass. He asks about it. And she says it from shaving. That makes sense? Ew.

-Molly is questioning why the lighting looks dark in one scene an then light in another. The cinematographer and editor have been put on notice.

-Ian Ziering's Sonny Crockett beard will fight off any shark.

-Dude, there are suddenly like a hundred sharks, which is why Ian Ziering yells, "Sharks!"

-It looks like they're using outtakes from all the Jaws movies randomy edited together.

-Ian Ziering is called "Grandpa" by Nova Clarke. Ouch.

-Ian’s Austrialian buddy, Baz, is on a jetski. A shark gnaws on his leg for a while. Ian gets on the jetski and takes the wheel and drives him in.

-Nova Clarke uses her waitress apron to stop Baz’s bleeding.

-“You could have been killed,” Nova Clarke chastises Ian Zierring’s for saving his buddy from a shark attack.

-A shot of a guy from the Normandy D-Day invasion lying on beach with half a leg bitten off.

-Ian Zierring in classic Steve Sanders-mode back at the bar. He’s in his element. His full name we learn is Finley “The Fin” Shepard. Of course it is.

-Nova Clarke makes a move on Ian Zierring/Steve Sanders. He still’s got it!

-Molly checks IMDB. Ian is 49. A little part of Molly dies.

-A news report identifies the hurricane as Hurricane David. It's the fiirst hurricane to hit California. Where’s the tornados?

-Molly Fact Check: since 1939, 4 tropical cyclones have hit California, but no full hurricane, just remnants.

-Global warming has been identified as the culprit. Sharknados are written off as a liberal conspiracy by Fox News.

-Tara Reid is in the house. Ian’s estranged wife. She looks like she’s was out for two straight weeks chain smoking Pall Malls, died and was embalmed. She has a glamour shot of herself on the wall of her house. 

-The storm is freshening.

-A shark flies through the bar glass window. Nova Clarke impales it with a pool cue. That just happened!

-I think John Heard is actually drunk and doesn’t know what set he’s on.

-The hurricane hits. Everyone runs out of the Peach Pit.

-A shark attacks Nova Clark on the boardwalk. She points a shotgun at the flopping around shark.

-Molly: How did they know they needed to pack heat?

-John Heard kills the shark with a barstool. That just happened!

-A shark attacks Baz. He recreates the oxygen tank scene at the end of Jaws.

-A ferris wheel is unmorred and people run away from it like in Raiders of the Lost Ark until is crashes into a building. Yes, that happened, too.

-Dear Anthony C. Ferrante, director of Sharknado. Yes, we get your Steven Spielberg references. His agent still won’t return your calls.

-Everything is calm again. The storm is quiet. Steve Sanders wonders if he can get Kelly back or maybe hook up with Val.

-I decide Ian’s hair beard dye is more reddish than brown. Nice hair work. Can it survive all this sharknado weather?

-Stock footage montage of hurricanes courtesy of the Weather Channel. Where’s Jim Cantore.

-Commerical Break. An ad for Blast Vegas starring Frankie Muniz. No joke.

-Back to the movie. The crew talk about getting to higher ground. Beverly Hills. What’s the zip code?

-They’re stuck in traffic on the 405.

-Water breach flooding the highway.

-“It’s like Old Faithfull” “We’ll need more than faith to get through this.”

-Molly starts singing George Michael for some reason.

-A shark is in the express lane, eating people, passing on the right.

-Ian suggests everyone get to higher ground for the 100th time already.

-A dog is locked in a car. “Help!” yells a woman.

-John Heard runs toward the car with his barstool of death. He crashes the window, saves the dog. What can’t barstools do?

-A huge waves hits. John Heard is eaten by a shark. “Oh crap,” are his dying words. Thanks, John Heard, your check is in the mail.

-Ian and the crew drive through a giant wave and get through the traffic jam.

-“If there’s one thing I know. It’s timing waves.” – Ian Ziering as Finley “The Fin” Shepard.

-Ian drives the crew to his huge house on the hill. Tara Reid looks like Charo. Her face looks like an old catchers mitt.

-His teenaged daughter and Tara Reid’s boyfriend is in the house. Ian and Tara argue the fine points of marital law.

-A shark breaks through glass and eats the ex-wive’s boyfriend. That just happened!

-The shark is swimming through the living room. The crew tries to attack it with a bookcase. Yes, I know that doesn’t sound right. The shark gets wise and swims UNDER the bookcase. Nova Clarke shoots it with a gun. Uses all her ammo. Better load up on pool cues and barstools, toots.

-Blood in the water. Baz says, “Looks like that time of the month.”

-Molly lodges her protest at that comment.

-More sharks are in the water. Ian distracts the sharks with a floor lamp. Tara Reid, Nova Clarke, daughter and Baz all run out and get in the car parked outside where it’s only lightly drizzling outside. Keep in mind, the weather INSIDE is so severe that sharks are flooding it.

-They drive away as Ian’s house crumbles from extreme water damage and shark infestation for some reason.

-Close up of Tara Reid’s face. I’ll have night terrors.

-Nova Clarke finds more ammo in the glove compartment of Ian’s car. People must be trying to come after Ian’s 90210 residuals.

-A shark swims up to a school bus. Ian gets out of the car to save the children. He pulls out his climbing rope (because he has those) and repels down from a bridge (it’s also stopped raining and it’s sunny outside). The bus is filled with children who only have only watched the new 90210. Poor kids. He pulls the children out. The stoner teacher is last. He climbs up the rope, then Ian pulls himself up while sharks literally nip at his heels. Ian saves the day.

-The wind freshens. The W flies off the Hollywood sign.

-A piece of the Hollywood sign flies off and impales the teacher. Your check is in the mail. Get a better agent.

-Three tornados appear over the ocean called waterspouts.

-Molly Fact Check: A waterspout is an intense columnar vortex (usually appearing as a funnel-shaped cloud) that occurs over a body of water, connected to a cumuliform cloud.

-Back in the car a shark lands on the roof. Ian Ziering attacks it with a baseball bat. Ian is bit. He’s cut! He’s cut! They remember they have a gun and shoot the shark. It flops around dead on the road like Gabriele Carteris’ failed talk show, Gabrielle.

-The car stalls. They smell gas. They run out of the car. It explodes!

-They seek cover at a liquor store. Uh- oh. Better shut down production, Tara’s gonna be here a while.

-They find a new vehicle at a movie car rental place. They take a Hummer.

-They drive the Hummer through a police blockade. Police chase!

-It’s sunny and dry as a bone out. And so are the actors. Ian’s hair dye isn’t even running yet.

-They get to Van Nuys airport, which is located next to a senior center. Both prove to be important to the plot

-“It’s time to leave Kansas, mate” the Baz says.

-No ones gotten eaten in while. Molly is getting restless.

-The tornado is freshening. Ian’s hair plugs are in trouble.

-Ian’s son works as a pilot trainee at the airport. Ian decides flying a helicopter in a tornado is bad idea. They find an equipment room. They load up with chainsaws, weedwackers and bombs.

-Poignant moment between Ian and his daughter. That’s one for the acting reel! If Harry Hamlin can snag a role on Mad Men, why not Ian Ziering? Are you telling me you he couldn’t kill it as Don Draper’s hard-drinking wingman?

-Son and Nova Clarke are flirting. Steve Sanders is going to lose the girl all over again just like when he lost Kelly and Clare and Hilary Swank.

-Nova Clarke has her Robert Shaw in Jaws moment and tells her Indianapolis scar story. "And, you know, the thing about a sharknado... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes... " She doesn't actually say that in the movie but it would have been awesome if she did.

-The new plan is to get in the helicopter and fly into the sharknado and drop bombs.

-Molly: does Tara Reid always look tan? That’s not tan, honey, that’s leather.

-The pilot son and Nova Clarke fly into a tornado er sharknado, and drop a bomb into it. The sharknado evaporates. Not sure about the science there.

-A shark flies down from the sky. Ian chops it in half with a chainsaw. Money shot!

-Ian’s now shooting sharks out of the sky like clay pigeons.

-At the senior center. The seniors are just hanging out in the pool, refusing to go inside. They were in the war, you think a little thing like a sharknado will get them to move? 

-A shark flies at some random dude. Eats his arm. Then his leg. Then a hammerhead falls on him and crushes him. The actor is probably telling his family back home that he’s “making it” in Hollywood.

-Ian pulls a senior out of the pool, which now has a shark in it. He pours gasoline in the pool and lights it blowing up the pool and the one shark. Don’t they have bigger fish to fry? Sorry.

-The seniors inside are playing Connect Four.

-We’re back to the helicopter with the son and Nova Clarke and their magical cure for tornados.

-Ah, a shark flies up and bites down on the helicopter. Nova Clarke takes a knife and tries to cut it off. She slips and falls and another shark swallows her whole in mid-air. The son yells “Ohhhhhhhh.” That all just happened!

-The son tries to land the helicopter while Ian watches from the senior center. Inside, the old dude who wouldn’t leave the pool instructs everyone to get away from the window. Folks, they don’t call them the Greatest Generation for nothing.

-The helicopter lands. Ian runs to his son and pulls him out of the cockpit. There is also a sharknado bearing down on them.

-Ian says he’s going to finish this.

-Ian has an idea.

-He gets in the car. He drives INTO the sharknado. Unscrews the top of the bomb. He jumps out of the car and the sharknado takes the car. The bomb explodes. The sharknsado dissipates. Dead sharks rain from the sky like frogs in Magnolia.

-A shark is raining down on Ian’s daughter. Ian sees this. He pushes her out of the way.

-He revs his chainsaw.

-He jumps toward the shark.

-The shark swallows him whole and lands.

-Wait for it.

-Wait for it.

-Ian cuts himself out of the shark with the chainsaw like a C-Section.

-Wait for it.

-And drags out Nova Clarke, too. It’s the SAME shark that ate her!

-The son gives her half-assed CPR. She coughs. She’s alive! She’s alive!

-“I really hate sharks,” she says.

-And that friends, is the new greatest scene in film history!

-Ian is covered in shark guts, but Tara Reid looks worse.

-Tara and Ian have the most awkward kiss I’ve ever seen. She pushes him away like, “That WAS NOT in my contract.”

-“Hell of a day,” Ian says.

-Fin.

-No really, that’s what the title card says.

-The movie is over and all is calm.

-Molly checks the Weather Channel just in case.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Brendan Recommends- A Soft Serve Ice Cream Cone

It's hot outside. It's humid. Today I was in a full sweat after doing nothing more than standing outside breathing.


The Dude II moments before the mess.
Let's cool things down with a nice, simple cone of chocolate and vanilla swirl soft serve ice cream.

Often I'll order a more complicated scoop, but as my plastic spoon digs at the hard chocolate chunks buried within, I'll gaze over at someone else eating a soft serve cone and wonder why I didn't order it myself.

A soft serve ice cream cone is a summer pop song: mass-produced with no nutritious value, but always perfect.

No one ever replies in the negative when when asked, "How's your cone?"

To re appropriate a Woody Allen joke, "Even the worst one is right on the money."

A soft serve ice cream cone is now.

You don't save a soft serve ice cream cone for later after a few exploratory licks.

You have to eat it with the right mix of lazy enjoyment and determined speed, because nothing changes from a solid to a melted liquid mess in your hands faster than a cone piled high with soft serve ice cream.

A soft serve ice cream cone is a race backwards to a moment in your life when you got exactly what you wanted and what you wanted was as easily obtained and as it was forgotten.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Brendan Recommends (But Maybe Not For Everyone)- 56 Up

56 Up

What is it?

A British documentary series beginning in 1964 that follows the same group of fourteen people, starting at age seven, every seven years. So there was Seven Up!, Seven Plus Seven, 21 Up, 28 Up, 35 Up, 42 Up, 49 Up,  and now 56 Up.

Why do I recommend it?

"Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man"

-A Jesuit saying

What started as a documentary with an intent to examine class in the British society is now the granddaddy of all reality shows and an incomparable document of what a human life is and what the aging process looks like. Every seven years, you see these same people grow old, go to school, get jobs, gain children, lose jobs and spouses, gain grandchildren, but (spoiler-alert but not really) not die. Miraculously none have died yet. What is also interesting is the participants relationship to the show itself and its effect on their lives.

All of the episodes are on Netflix Instant and my wife and I binge-watched 7 Up through 49 Up. I couldn't have been more excited when 56 Up finally appeared to check in on old friends like the ballad of the mentally unstable but articulate Neil or the East Ender Tony who dreams of being a jockey. Of course it's a longer wait until 63 Up.

The series makes you think about how your own life would look in seven year chunks. In the time between my own 28 Up and 35 Up, two children arrived. What will happen between 35 and 42?

The first film Seven Up! features the group as impossibly cute children saying impossibly cute things like, "I don't want to get married because what if she makes me eat my greens and I don't like eating greens." Knowing that you'll watch these same people grow for the next half century is impossible to pass up.

Each episode does have extensive recaps so you don't necessarily HAVE to watch every one. But I think you miss the the shock of seeing them get suddenly seven years older in the next episode.

Why It Might Not Be For Everyone

If your idea of reality is so warped that you only expect/demand dancing or hot tubs or eating bugs or washed-up celebrity judges.