Exclusive: Inside Jennifer Aniston’s Plot to Steal Kim Kardashian’s Unborn Baby

Our sources inside the editorial office of Us Weekly have confirmed that the magazine is in contact with the aging girl-next-door actress Jennifer Aniston to engineer the most sensational gossip story since the disappearance of the Lindbergh baby. The particulars of the plot would potentially combine all three elements of a successful Us Weekly story: Jennifer Aniston’s desire for a baby/redemption, Kim Kardashians rear end, and an actress selling out pictures of her newborn baby and subsequent candid pictures of the “mother and child” doing things like going on shopping sprees and eating gelato in designer baby couture.

Sources close to Aniston say that the plot came to her during one of her “Sad Sundays”, when the former Leprechaun actress lies on the couch all day eating Hydrox cookies like chips and watches Brad Pitt movies on loop while wrapped in a quilt knit by the children at the local orphanage who felt sorry for her and wanted to “do something nice”. According to sources in the area, on these “Sad Sundays”, a bat-signal that resembles the outline of her famous “Rachel” hairstyle is beamed out into the sky and locals promptly light candles, kneel on yoga mats, and pray for the alleviation of Jen’s sadness.

While flipping channels during a commercial break of “Ocean’s 12”, Aniston came upon the “Breaking News” that the daughter of the man who helped acquit OJ Simpson, Kim Kardashian, was officially married to a professional basketball player who held an under ten point career ppg average and plays for a laughingstock franchise (New Jersey Nets), Kris Humphries.

Aniston was offended that Kardashian was getting so much media attention while accomplishing so little.  That was her gig. She threw her Skinny Girl margarita at the TV in anger. On hearing the glass shattering, supposed boyfriend actor/”writer” Justin Theroux walked in and asked what was wrong. Jennifer looked at the unknown actor and said, “Who are you? No, really, who are you?” Theroux reportedly opened a leather bound copy of the latest issue of Us Weekly and showed her pictures of them together during their vacation the previous week. Aniston called the Us Weekly offices in NY for confirmation, and that’s when talks on the proposed heist began.

According to information obtained by former NewsCorp hackers recently hired by Brendan Mackey’s Blog, Jen has assembled the following team for the planned heist:

Courtney Cox- “Mother Hen”- in charge of planning and emotional support.

Matt LeBlanc- “Dr. Drake Ramoray”- scheduled to deliver the Kardashian spawn.

Former E News Anchor Steve Kmetco- “The Inside Man”- embedded inside the E camera crew covering the delivery.

Don Cheadle- “Don Cheadle”- Weapons.

Khloe Kardashian- “The Double Agent”- embedded inside the Kardashian family.

Justin Theroux- “The Beard”- reportedly Jen’s boyfriend, but Jen’s still skeptical.

Tate Donovan- “That Guy”- former Jen boyfriend, looking for work, paid per diem.

John Mayer- “The Crooner”- scheduled to sing the newborn baby to sleep.

Winona Ryder- “Heather”- snatch and grab.

Paris Hilton- “The Wheelman”- the getaway driver.

When unconfirmed rumors of the plot to kidnap her future not-yet conceived grandchild reached the Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner-Kardashian-Jenner-Kardashian, she stated, “The protection and safety of the E camera crew is the most important thing to consider. I have instructed my scarecrow husband Bruce and whatever my sons are named to act as human shields to protect the E production team and their life-giving cameras.”

After the baby is procured, Aniston, a team of nannies, a masseuse, and a dialect coach will fly to Brad and Angelina’s château in France, which is scheduled to be empty at the time.  Once there, Aniston will break every framed picture of Brangelina in the house, then cut out Jolie from every picture and insert a picture of herself next to Brad. Then she will take a nap on Brad’s side of the bed just to smell his musk again. Then she will dress in Jolie’s sexiest black leather bondage gear and then call upon Satan himself for another round of negotiations.

According to sources close to Old Scratch, the Devil was contacted by Aniston’s representative at the CAA with a Faustian offer of the actresses’ soul.

Satan was reportedly confused by the offer, because Ms. Aniston along with her “Friends” co-stars, Ms. Cox, Mr. Perry, Mr. Schwimmer and cruelly, James Michael Tyler, the guy who played Gunther had ALREADY sold their collective souls to Satan in exchange for the enormous success of the aforementioned sitcom (for further reading on this matter, see court case Schwimmer v. Mephistopheles).

Satan informed Ms. Aniston that he could not except her soul offer since he was already in possession of her eternal soul, so like, what else did she have? That was when Jen (in accordance with the Us Weekly editorial board) came up with the idea of stealing the devil’s own baby (aka “Rosemary’s Baby” i.e. the Kardashian/Humphries celebu-infant) from the overprotective hands of her mother Kris and the E camera crew, and selling it back to him in exchange for something every actress craves: eternal youth.

The Lord of Darkness and the Office Space star agreed that in exchange for the child, he will grant her the gift of eternal youth with the caveat that while she will appear never to age, a single phototograph of her and Mr. Pitt of her choosing will age instead.

This photograph.

So for the time being, until Kim Kardashian gets pregnant and the nine months after, Jen will wait, whispering herself this prayer.

Come back to me, Brad.
Come back my sweet prince.
I will never age,
I will wait for you forever.
Come back to me.
Come back to me.
Come back.