Schadenfreude for Schwarzenegger

Let’s be honest, staying on top of all the latest celebrity gossip can get exhausting. That’s why when I needed the super true truth on the latest Arnold Schwarzenegger paternity bombshell; I turned to my friend and celebrity gossip blogger Jeffrey Wolinski from http://supertruenews.blogspot.com/ for help.

Brendan: So Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to cheating on his wife of 25 years Maria Shriver and to fathering a “love child” with a household staffer.  People seemed shocked by the news. Should they be surprised the strongman would Jingle All the Way with another woman?

Jeffrey: Arnold is surprised that people are shocked he knocked the girl up.  He always goes Commando!

Brendan: And it’s just the one child as far as we know, right?

Jeffrey: Not many people know this but Arnold actually had Twins with the woman.  One ended up living on an island getting the world's best education and the other looks like Danny DeVito.

Brendan: Let’s face it, the man in 63 years old. Even if the child is 10-years-old, that means he was still 53. And after years of steroid abuse that’s kinda impressive, right?

Jeffrey: He is the Last Action Hero.

Brendan: Could this actually help is viral image?

Jeffrey: If playing Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin couldn’t put his career on ice, nothing will.

Brendan: Did the public really think that he was perfectly faithful to Maria?

Jeffrey: For years everyone thought Arnold just pumped iron.

Brendan: Do you think that Maria failed to satisfy the Austrian Oak?

Jeffrey: I’ve heard that Maria’s skeletal frame would shatter into a thousand pieces if he even touched her with a plume of smoke from his cigar.

Brendan: Can we assume that Maria will take him to the cleaners?

Jeffrey: It looks like Arnold might get a Raw Deal in the divorce settlement.

Brendan: He’s a Republican. She’s a Kennedy Democrat. It shouldn’t have worked, but for 25 years they pretended it did. If this Hollywood sham marriage couldn’t succeed, what does that say about the future of sham marriages in Hollywood?

Jeffrey: We still have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon and Tom Cruise is polishing off his third sham marriage. And there’s a deep bench of next generation stars ready to pretend to tie themselves down to someone of the opposite sex for “whatever reason”.

Brendan: Example? Maria is a cougar on the prowl now. Who should be her next prey?

Jeffrey: Jake Gyllenhaal is my pick to click. That boy seems desperate for a sham marriage.

Brendan: What about Arnold and Maria’s children, aren’t they the real Collateral Damage in all this? And doesn’t that remind you of a storyline with Harry Hamlin in Veronica Mars?

Jeffrey: I never watched Veronica Mars.  But I feel no sympathy for the children. They probably don’t have any problems getting their screenplays read by producers.

Brendan: Can we expect any more True Lies to come out?

Jeffrey: Not many people know this but Arnold is the one who actually gave birth to the love child.  He named it Junior.

Thanks, Jeffrey!