On the Bald Spot

Of course the event that everyone in the hair loss world has been anticipating with bated breath and a tingly scalp, is the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. For commentary, I was lucky enough to catch up with my friend and noted royal follicle chronicler, Jeffrey Wolinski.

This is a rush transcript.

Brendan: I know this a busy time for you, so let’s get right to it. I assume you were up at 4 am to watch the royal balding...I mean the royal wedding. I personally loved the Alexander McQueen/Sarah Burton dress, and her sister Pippa was a revelation!  But, what were your first impressions?

Jeffrey: You could see Prince William's scalp from the top of Westminster Abbey!  Jesus Christ.  I hear they are replacing the gargoyles that sit a top the churches in England to keep evil spirits away with stone carvings of William's bald head.

Brendan: Do you think that William losing his hair so spectacularly and at such a young age will affect him and his ability to lead?

Jeffrey: His first official action as Duke/future King will be to change the medical term to Royal Pattern Baldness.

Brendan: With William’s grandmother, Queen Elizabeth still alive and his father Prince Charles’s ability to cheat consequences in life so one could assume his ability to cheat death, do think William will have any difficulties ascending to the throne?

Jeffrey: My sources tell me that they tried to do a crown fitting but the damn thing kept sliding off his head.

Brendan: Does the royal family have any contingency plans for the possibly of a completely hairless heir?

Jeffrey: I hear, what hair is left is so precious that they are putting it along with the family jewels in the Tower of London.  Guarded, preserved and watched over for generations to remember what once was.

Brendan: And what is the effect on the British people?

Jeffrey: His hair loss is more detrimental to the citizens of Great Britain than the World War II bombings on London.

Brendan: Any lingering questions from the royal wedding?

Jeffrey: Only the question every British subject should ask themselves. What will fall first, the Empire of Great Britain or follicles 23 and 96 on William's head?

Brendan: Considering the type of pattern baldness that Will is suffering from, does he have any alternatives to stem the tide? Weaves? Toupees? Rogaine? Or is shaving it all off the only option left?

Jeffrey: He’s a goddamn prince. He can do whatever he wants! He should show up one day wearing a pelt he made out of a fox he shot while hunting that morning. Or wear a basket of fish and chips, or a potted plant, or a Union Jack flag. If he needs any tips he can ask Elton John for a referral.

Thanks Jeffrey!

See you next time On the Bald Spot!