On the Bald Spot- The Crystal Skull

While the eyes of the home viewers of the Academy Awards last Sunday were fixated on Angelina Jolie’s “White Leg of Death”, we at On the Bald Spot had our sites set on the rejuvenated pate of the host, Billy Crystal.

And when the topic turns to hair work, we at On the Bald Spot turn to our resident wigologist, the dreamweaver himself, Jeffrey Wolinski.

Brendan: Thanks from joining us, Jeffrey. Let’s get right down to it. Billy Crystal. What did your trained eyes see? Thoughts?

Jeffrey: Thoughts?  More like intense form of meditation. I thought he looked surprisingly good in the face which definitely says he got shot up like Sonny Corleone with Botox just before the show to get that face tighter than a snare drum.

Brendan: Oh, no doubt. He definitely went full “Kidman” in regards to the Botox. But what about that head chock full of “Curly’s Gold”?

Jeffrey: Black gold!

Brendan:  I mean what was that?

Jeffrey: My spies tell me that the black substance that covered his hair was flown in directly from the Kuwaiti oil fields.  It was black, deep black.  NASA is sending a satellite into the blackness of his hair just to see if there is life somewhere in it.

Brendan: Actually, I got up really close to our HD TV screen, and from an inch away, I'm pretty sure I could see the tell tale space between the scalp and the hairline. Which means one the thing…

Jeffrey: Ding, ding, ding, we’ve got a wig!

Brendan: When Harry met Baldy. 

Jeffrey: I believe you are right about the wig.  Not Kristen Wiig, which is just as bad.  I thought it was just extremely aggressive hair work that would make Steven Seagal blush, but now that you mention it, it had to be a wig!  It was too dense.

Brendan: I’m telling you, I could have slipped a spatula under that thing.

Jeffrey: I need to rewatch it to see the Frankenstein cap that was applied to his head. In fact, I need to see it right now!

Brendan: OK, but first, one more question... Jeffrey? Jeffrey? 

(Ed. Note- I lost contact with Jeffrey and have been unable to reestablish any communication since. One can only assume he’s rerunning the Oscar footage on loop with his eyes pried open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.)

See you next time on the Bald Spot!

Let’s Plug It Out

Welcome back to On the Bald Spot, where this week we’re mourning the end of HBO’s brotastic show Entourage (Spoiler Alert- everything worked out in the end).

Over the show’s eight season run, viewers have tuned in to luxuriate in the unfettered wealth, the style, the celebrity, the wooden acting, the occasional nudity, but here at On the Bald Spot, we had our eyes trained and our jeweler’s loops ready for only one thing each week: Jeremy Piven’s hair.

For a postmortem on super agent Ari Gold’s ever-changing pate, we’re lucky to have celebrity blogger and noted wigologist Jeffrey Wolinski.

Brendan: Jeremy Piven had one of the great hair turnarounds to modern Hollywood history. He was a relatively obscure balding actor with bit parts in his Chicago buddy John Cusack’s films like Say Anything, occasional film cult success like PCU or the short-lived TV show Cupid. But on Entourage, he showed up with a full head of hair and nobody seemed to question it? How did he engineer this hair comeback story?

Jeff: In the beginning, it was just the good old comb over or comb forward.  I'm sure he went the topical solutions route. He then graduated to pieces. These are just mere rug samples that you carefully plot the empty parts of your scalp.

Brendan: Tuning in this season, I noticed that the Piven’s wig work was getting a little ragged. What happened?

Jeff: My sources tell me that Piven started to go gray.  Now, he had to combine the hairpieces AND the hair dye. This is a balancing act because he now has to match his pieces to the color of the hair dye or vice versa.

Brendan: A very tricky tight rope act indeed.

Jeff: Then later on he lost too much hair for the hairpieces to latch on to so he had to go the surgery route. The surgery route has been an ongoing process for the past 10 years. This is a simple procedure where they remove hair from the back of your head and re-plant it on the top of your head.

Brendan: So what went wrong?

Jeff: I think Piven waited too long for this procedure and he doesn't have enough good hair to replace the ones that left his head. So even with the transplanted hair, he still has to wear rug samples to fill in the blanks PLUS break out the chemistry set to create a hair dye that perfectly matches both! Not to mention his DYE BROWS!  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Brendan: Lloyd, get me Empire Carpet on phone!

Jeff (singing): 588-2300, Em-pire!

Brendan: I noticed in a couple bedroom scenes this season that Ari had a perfectly shaved chest. Do you think he was harvesting his chest hair for replanting on his head?

Jeff: Piven is nothing if not a resourceful actor, so it would follow that he wouldn’t let any good hair go to waste. But, the chest to hair technology is still in developmental stages (in a lab in Robin William’s basement).

Brendan: Do you think there’s any deep-seeded psychologically issues at work here concerning Piven and his hair?

Jeff: I know that long time friends Piven and John Cusack have had a bit of a “falling out”, and I believe it’s about the “falling out” of their hair. I truly think that Piven is jealous of Cusack b/c of his hair. Not that it’s b/c Cusack has perfect hair; we all know that is not the case.

Brendan: Lloyd Dobler? Say it isn’t so!

Jeff: Yes it’s true! Mr. Cusack has a hair-raising secret too!

Brendan: Maybe his hair went back in a Hot Tub Time Machine?

Jeff: No, that is factually inaccurate. Just like Piven, Cusack has had the surgical procedures and bathed his head in the oil-filled Gulf of Mexico BUT Cusack was able to ward off the unforgivable follicle loss until later in life when the technology and money was there. This is the true reason why Piven and Cusack, once best friends, are now just mere acquaintances.

The documentation of this demise between two old friends can be seen in the underrated comedy from the 1980s, One Crazy Summer.

Brendan: Great movie.

Jeff: Cusack played the lovable tall leading man with the thick head of black hair and Piven played the tiny side character with what only looked like a thin layer of dryer lint from a brown sweater on top of his head. So sad….  Piven was only 20 years old in that movie and he already didn’t have a chance.

Brendan: With Entourage over, what’s the future hold for Jeremy Piven’s hair?

Jeff: The future for Piven's hair is one of constant work and turmoil.  He's reaching 50 years old and only time will tell how long he will keep the charade up. Like I said, I'm tired just thinking about all the work that has to go into that head every day, month and year.

Brendan: Thanks, Jeff!

Jeff: Wherever there is a celebrity, I will be there...to judge.  Wherever there is success of an actor/director/screenwriter or producer, I will be there...to find their flaws. Wherever there is Hollywoold celebrity with a minor cosmetic flaw, I will be there...to hate.

Brendan: Uh, thanks again, Jeff… Jeff, where are you going?

Jeff quickly exited and ran to the bathroom with two mirrors in hand to check the top of his head.

If your interested in further reading about the top of Jeremy Piven's head, the internet has plenty of information available including some particularly grisly looking hair transplant scars (that I chose not to include since, you know, I'm trying to keep things light). You've been warned.

See you next time… On the Bald Spot!

On the Bald Spot

Of course the event that everyone in the hair loss world has been anticipating with bated breath and a tingly scalp, is the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. For commentary, I was lucky enough to catch up with my friend and noted royal follicle chronicler, Jeffrey Wolinski.

This is a rush transcript.

Brendan: I know this a busy time for you, so let’s get right to it. I assume you were up at 4 am to watch the royal balding...I mean the royal wedding. I personally loved the Alexander McQueen/Sarah Burton dress, and her sister Pippa was a revelation!  But, what were your first impressions?

Jeffrey: You could see Prince William's scalp from the top of Westminster Abbey!  Jesus Christ.  I hear they are replacing the gargoyles that sit a top the churches in England to keep evil spirits away with stone carvings of William's bald head.

Brendan: Do you think that William losing his hair so spectacularly and at such a young age will affect him and his ability to lead?

Jeffrey: His first official action as Duke/future King will be to change the medical term to Royal Pattern Baldness.

Brendan: With William’s grandmother, Queen Elizabeth still alive and his father Prince Charles’s ability to cheat consequences in life so one could assume his ability to cheat death, do think William will have any difficulties ascending to the throne?

Jeffrey: My sources tell me that they tried to do a crown fitting but the damn thing kept sliding off his head.

Brendan: Does the royal family have any contingency plans for the possibly of a completely hairless heir?

Jeffrey: I hear, what hair is left is so precious that they are putting it along with the family jewels in the Tower of London.  Guarded, preserved and watched over for generations to remember what once was.

Brendan: And what is the effect on the British people?

Jeffrey: His hair loss is more detrimental to the citizens of Great Britain than the World War II bombings on London.

Brendan: Any lingering questions from the royal wedding?

Jeffrey: Only the question every British subject should ask themselves. What will fall first, the Empire of Great Britain or follicles 23 and 96 on William's head?

Brendan: Considering the type of pattern baldness that Will is suffering from, does he have any alternatives to stem the tide? Weaves? Toupees? Rogaine? Or is shaving it all off the only option left?

Jeffrey: He’s a goddamn prince. He can do whatever he wants! He should show up one day wearing a pelt he made out of a fox he shot while hunting that morning. Or wear a basket of fish and chips, or a potted plant, or a Union Jack flag. If he needs any tips he can ask Elton John for a referral.

Thanks Jeffrey!

See you next time On the Bald Spot!