This Week in Van Der Beek: Free Joey Edition

Welcome back, Van Der Geeks!

We're back with another look at the week of James Van Der Beek that was. Of course, here at JVDB Central, we're still buzzing over the brilliance of season one of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 or as I like to call it,  Two Chicks and a Beek. But, we also aim to cover all things James-related and that means former Dawson's Creek cast members.

And no cast member is more in the news than the one girl who played Dawson's (and mine) first love Joey Porter. Of course, I mean, Katie Holmes and her recent underpublicized divorce from thespian, Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.

Since the root of conflict seems to be the controverisial religion Scientology, I contacted our resident Scientology expert, Jeffrey Wolinski, a man who really knows his thetans from his engrams, to help clear everything up.

BRENDAN: Thanks for joining us,  Jeffrey. Before we start, can I ask what this crazy machine is that you've got me hooked up to?

JEFFREY: It's called an E-Meter, just relax.

BRENDAN: Fair enough. My first question is if there is truth to the rumor that Sea Org planned Suri Cruise to be a child bride for Xenu with instructions to seduce then ultimately destroy the evil alien ruler, thus freeing the millions of thetans (souls) that he holds captive?

JEFFREY: That’s a completely preposterous idea that the Sea Orgs would devise a plan that would make Suri Cruise the child bride of Xenu with the main purpose of destroying the evil alien to release the thetans.  It was actually the Commodore’s Messenger Organization.  Get your god damn facts straight!

BRENDAN: It has been reported by the respectable US Weekly, that Holmes reached such a favorable settlement with Tom Mapother (Cruise) because Mr. Mapother (Cruise) is hiding something and she knows his secrets. Any leak on what those secrets may be?

JEFFREY:  His smile and laugh, which are one in the same.  Not many people know the reason why Tom Cruise (Mapother) joined the Church of Scientology.  The reason was Tom had a major problem with his flatulence.  Yes, it is true.  It was Tom Cruise’s uncontrollable farting that drove him to Scientology.  The tools and technology at the Church of Scientology helped him figure out a way to put a beard on his stinky problem.  He was able to convert his noxious gases into a visually pleasing manifestation—a smile and laugh.  So every time you see him flash that over the top smile and release that evil-ish laugh…….he’s farting.

BRENDAN: Is there any truth to the idea floated, that Cruise's latest movie, Rock of Ages, was a purposeful unseen bomb with the sole purpose of "clearing" the movie going public?

JEFFREY: Listen, the Bridge to Total Freedom is not an easy bridge to cross, especially if it is a drawbridge lifting so it can let the passing Sea Org ships come into harbor.  That movie was for the “Preclear” public only.  Any person who saw that movie, who has been previously classified as “Clear”, should start getting their tin cans in their hand and start the auditing process all over again.  That movie will mess you up man.


BRENDAN: Does the Botox in Nicole Kidman's face allow her to register shock at her ex-husband's latest divorce?

JEFFREY: I am convinced that Nicole Kidman does not remember anything beyond the first day of rehearsals for Days of Thunder.  Yes, that’s how powerful he is.

BRENDAN: Now that Katie Holmes is free of Scientology's grip, where does her career go from here?

JEFFREY: The only chance Holmes has of sharing screen time with a major actor is when she FaceTimes Michelle Williams.

BRENDAN: Now that she's left the Scientology cult of Hollywood, do you think director Christopher Nolan with digitally erase Holmes from Batman Begins?

JEFFREY: No need.  The movie going public has already erased her crooked face and horrible performance from their mind.  Although, I believe Mr. Nolan is in the process of digitally removing the sad turtle (Ed. Note- Maggie Gyllenhaal, that's cruel Jeff!) that replaced her in The Dark Knight.

BRENDAN. It is said that Scientologists sign a billion year contract, do you think the religion will try to "buy out" Kirstie Alley's contract early?

JEFFREY: This is true although Ms. Alley misinterpreted the contract from the beginning.  She thought it was a billion “pound” contract, so ever since Runaway she has been secretly stuffing her once beautiful face with various forms of fat.  For years she talked about how the Church could possibly “eat out” her contract but that would never happen if she would eat it first.

BRENDAN:  Moving on to more JVDB-related topics, any truth to the rumor that James Van Der Beek's giant head is a manifestation of Xenu and Cruise only married little Joey Porter in an effort to "get inside Dawson's head?"

JEFFREY: It always makes me chuckle a bit when I hear that question, because I hear it a lot.  Actually, it’s Joe Buck’s forehead that is the manifestation of Xenu.  People always seem to get Van Der Beek’s massive head and Joe Buck’s never ending forehead confused.  It’s fine…It’s an honest mistake.

BRENDAN: Any chance that J. V. D. Beek lands a role in Top Gun 2 as Goose's nephew? Or Joshua Jackson (Pacey) as the new Iceman. Also, can Val Kilmer fit into the cockpit of jet engine anymore?

JEFFREY:  Because the size of his head, James Van Der Beek’ has “landed” the role of the runway in the Top Gun sequel and due to his complete lack of charisma and vapidness Joshua Jackson will not be cast at all.  I have heard that Val Kilmer will not be in the sequel to Top Gun.  He has traded the cockpit for the BBQ pit.

The last known photograph taken of Jeffrey Wolinski

I had more questions for Jeffrey, but a team of lawyers representing the estate of L. Ron Hubbard suddenly crashed through the windows and issued a gag order. By that I mean, they actually issued Jeffrey a gag and ordered him to stuff it in this mouth. Then they dragged him out of my house (which was really rude, I just made popcorn, and and we were going to watch Varsity Blues together)

Anyway, I haven't seen him since. I'm a little worried. If you're still out there, Jeffrey, please call!

Have a great rest of your Van Der Week everyone!

On the Bald Spot- The Crystal Skull

While the eyes of the home viewers of the Academy Awards last Sunday were fixated on Angelina Jolie’s “White Leg of Death”, we at On the Bald Spot had our sites set on the rejuvenated pate of the host, Billy Crystal.

And when the topic turns to hair work, we at On the Bald Spot turn to our resident wigologist, the dreamweaver himself, Jeffrey Wolinski.

Brendan: Thanks from joining us, Jeffrey. Let’s get right down to it. Billy Crystal. What did your trained eyes see? Thoughts?

Jeffrey: Thoughts?  More like intense form of meditation. I thought he looked surprisingly good in the face which definitely says he got shot up like Sonny Corleone with Botox just before the show to get that face tighter than a snare drum.

Brendan: Oh, no doubt. He definitely went full “Kidman” in regards to the Botox. But what about that head chock full of “Curly’s Gold”?

Jeffrey: Black gold!

Brendan:  I mean what was that?

Jeffrey: My spies tell me that the black substance that covered his hair was flown in directly from the Kuwaiti oil fields.  It was black, deep black.  NASA is sending a satellite into the blackness of his hair just to see if there is life somewhere in it.

Brendan: Actually, I got up really close to our HD TV screen, and from an inch away, I'm pretty sure I could see the tell tale space between the scalp and the hairline. Which means one the thing…

Jeffrey: Ding, ding, ding, we’ve got a wig!

Brendan: When Harry met Baldy. 

Jeffrey: I believe you are right about the wig.  Not Kristen Wiig, which is just as bad.  I thought it was just extremely aggressive hair work that would make Steven Seagal blush, but now that you mention it, it had to be a wig!  It was too dense.

Brendan: I’m telling you, I could have slipped a spatula under that thing.

Jeffrey: I need to rewatch it to see the Frankenstein cap that was applied to his head. In fact, I need to see it right now!

Brendan: OK, but first, one more question... Jeffrey? Jeffrey? 

(Ed. Note- I lost contact with Jeffrey and have been unable to reestablish any communication since. One can only assume he’s rerunning the Oscar footage on loop with his eyes pried open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.)

See you next time on the Bald Spot!

Let’s Plug It Out

Welcome back to On the Bald Spot, where this week we’re mourning the end of HBO’s brotastic show Entourage (Spoiler Alert- everything worked out in the end).

Over the show’s eight season run, viewers have tuned in to luxuriate in the unfettered wealth, the style, the celebrity, the wooden acting, the occasional nudity, but here at On the Bald Spot, we had our eyes trained and our jeweler’s loops ready for only one thing each week: Jeremy Piven’s hair.

For a postmortem on super agent Ari Gold’s ever-changing pate, we’re lucky to have celebrity blogger and noted wigologist Jeffrey Wolinski.

Brendan: Jeremy Piven had one of the great hair turnarounds to modern Hollywood history. He was a relatively obscure balding actor with bit parts in his Chicago buddy John Cusack’s films like Say Anything, occasional film cult success like PCU or the short-lived TV show Cupid. But on Entourage, he showed up with a full head of hair and nobody seemed to question it? How did he engineer this hair comeback story?

Jeff: In the beginning, it was just the good old comb over or comb forward.  I'm sure he went the topical solutions route. He then graduated to pieces. These are just mere rug samples that you carefully plot the empty parts of your scalp.

Brendan: Tuning in this season, I noticed that the Piven’s wig work was getting a little ragged. What happened?

Jeff: My sources tell me that Piven started to go gray.  Now, he had to combine the hairpieces AND the hair dye. This is a balancing act because he now has to match his pieces to the color of the hair dye or vice versa.

Brendan: A very tricky tight rope act indeed.

Jeff: Then later on he lost too much hair for the hairpieces to latch on to so he had to go the surgery route. The surgery route has been an ongoing process for the past 10 years. This is a simple procedure where they remove hair from the back of your head and re-plant it on the top of your head.

Brendan: So what went wrong?

Jeff: I think Piven waited too long for this procedure and he doesn't have enough good hair to replace the ones that left his head. So even with the transplanted hair, he still has to wear rug samples to fill in the blanks PLUS break out the chemistry set to create a hair dye that perfectly matches both! Not to mention his DYE BROWS!  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Brendan: Lloyd, get me Empire Carpet on phone!

Jeff (singing): 588-2300, Em-pire!

Brendan: I noticed in a couple bedroom scenes this season that Ari had a perfectly shaved chest. Do you think he was harvesting his chest hair for replanting on his head?

Jeff: Piven is nothing if not a resourceful actor, so it would follow that he wouldn’t let any good hair go to waste. But, the chest to hair technology is still in developmental stages (in a lab in Robin William’s basement).

Brendan: Do you think there’s any deep-seeded psychologically issues at work here concerning Piven and his hair?

Jeff: I know that long time friends Piven and John Cusack have had a bit of a “falling out”, and I believe it’s about the “falling out” of their hair. I truly think that Piven is jealous of Cusack b/c of his hair. Not that it’s b/c Cusack has perfect hair; we all know that is not the case.

Brendan: Lloyd Dobler? Say it isn’t so!

Jeff: Yes it’s true! Mr. Cusack has a hair-raising secret too!

Brendan: Maybe his hair went back in a Hot Tub Time Machine?

Jeff: No, that is factually inaccurate. Just like Piven, Cusack has had the surgical procedures and bathed his head in the oil-filled Gulf of Mexico BUT Cusack was able to ward off the unforgivable follicle loss until later in life when the technology and money was there. This is the true reason why Piven and Cusack, once best friends, are now just mere acquaintances.

The documentation of this demise between two old friends can be seen in the underrated comedy from the 1980s, One Crazy Summer.

Brendan: Great movie.

Jeff: Cusack played the lovable tall leading man with the thick head of black hair and Piven played the tiny side character with what only looked like a thin layer of dryer lint from a brown sweater on top of his head. So sad….  Piven was only 20 years old in that movie and he already didn’t have a chance.

Brendan: With Entourage over, what’s the future hold for Jeremy Piven’s hair?

Jeff: The future for Piven's hair is one of constant work and turmoil.  He's reaching 50 years old and only time will tell how long he will keep the charade up. Like I said, I'm tired just thinking about all the work that has to go into that head every day, month and year.

Brendan: Thanks, Jeff!

Jeff: Wherever there is a celebrity, I will be there...to judge.  Wherever there is success of an actor/director/screenwriter or producer, I will be there...to find their flaws. Wherever there is Hollywoold celebrity with a minor cosmetic flaw, I will be there...to hate.

Brendan: Uh, thanks again, Jeff… Jeff, where are you going?

Jeff quickly exited and ran to the bathroom with two mirrors in hand to check the top of his head.

If your interested in further reading about the top of Jeremy Piven's head, the internet has plenty of information available including some particularly grisly looking hair transplant scars (that I chose not to include since, you know, I'm trying to keep things light). You've been warned.

See you next time… On the Bald Spot!

Exclusive: Inside Jennifer Aniston’s Plot to Steal Kim Kardashian’s Unborn Baby

Our sources inside the editorial office of Us Weekly have confirmed that the magazine is in contact with the aging girl-next-door actress Jennifer Aniston to engineer the most sensational gossip story since the disappearance of the Lindbergh baby. The particulars of the plot would potentially combine all three elements of a successful Us Weekly story: Jennifer Aniston’s desire for a baby/redemption, Kim Kardashians rear end, and an actress selling out pictures of her newborn baby and subsequent candid pictures of the “mother and child” doing things like going on shopping sprees and eating gelato in designer baby couture.

Sources close to Aniston say that the plot came to her during one of her “Sad Sundays”, when the former Leprechaun actress lies on the couch all day eating Hydrox cookies like chips and watches Brad Pitt movies on loop while wrapped in a quilt knit by the children at the local orphanage who felt sorry for her and wanted to “do something nice”. According to sources in the area, on these “Sad Sundays”, a bat-signal that resembles the outline of her famous “Rachel” hairstyle is beamed out into the sky and locals promptly light candles, kneel on yoga mats, and pray for the alleviation of Jen’s sadness.

While flipping channels during a commercial break of “Ocean’s 12”, Aniston came upon the “Breaking News” that the daughter of the man who helped acquit OJ Simpson, Kim Kardashian, was officially married to a professional basketball player who held an under ten point career ppg average and plays for a laughingstock franchise (New Jersey Nets), Kris Humphries.

Aniston was offended that Kardashian was getting so much media attention while accomplishing so little.  That was her gig. She threw her Skinny Girl margarita at the TV in anger. On hearing the glass shattering, supposed boyfriend actor/”writer” Justin Theroux walked in and asked what was wrong. Jennifer looked at the unknown actor and said, “Who are you? No, really, who are you?” Theroux reportedly opened a leather bound copy of the latest issue of Us Weekly and showed her pictures of them together during their vacation the previous week. Aniston called the Us Weekly offices in NY for confirmation, and that’s when talks on the proposed heist began.

According to information obtained by former NewsCorp hackers recently hired by Brendan Mackey’s Blog, Jen has assembled the following team for the planned heist:

Courtney Cox- “Mother Hen”- in charge of planning and emotional support.

Matt LeBlanc- “Dr. Drake Ramoray”- scheduled to deliver the Kardashian spawn.

Former E News Anchor Steve Kmetco- “The Inside Man”- embedded inside the E camera crew covering the delivery.

Don Cheadle- “Don Cheadle”- Weapons.

Khloe Kardashian- “The Double Agent”- embedded inside the Kardashian family.

Justin Theroux- “The Beard”- reportedly Jen’s boyfriend, but Jen’s still skeptical.

Tate Donovan- “That Guy”- former Jen boyfriend, looking for work, paid per diem.

John Mayer- “The Crooner”- scheduled to sing the newborn baby to sleep.

Winona Ryder- “Heather”- snatch and grab.

Paris Hilton- “The Wheelman”- the getaway driver.

When unconfirmed rumors of the plot to kidnap her future not-yet conceived grandchild reached the Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner-Kardashian-Jenner-Kardashian, she stated, “The protection and safety of the E camera crew is the most important thing to consider. I have instructed my scarecrow husband Bruce and whatever my sons are named to act as human shields to protect the E production team and their life-giving cameras.”

After the baby is procured, Aniston, a team of nannies, a masseuse, and a dialect coach will fly to Brad and Angelina’s château in France, which is scheduled to be empty at the time.  Once there, Aniston will break every framed picture of Brangelina in the house, then cut out Jolie from every picture and insert a picture of herself next to Brad. Then she will take a nap on Brad’s side of the bed just to smell his musk again. Then she will dress in Jolie’s sexiest black leather bondage gear and then call upon Satan himself for another round of negotiations.

According to sources close to Old Scratch, the Devil was contacted by Aniston’s representative at the CAA with a Faustian offer of the actresses’ soul.

Satan was reportedly confused by the offer, because Ms. Aniston along with her “Friends” co-stars, Ms. Cox, Mr. Perry, Mr. Schwimmer and cruelly, James Michael Tyler, the guy who played Gunther had ALREADY sold their collective souls to Satan in exchange for the enormous success of the aforementioned sitcom (for further reading on this matter, see court case Schwimmer v. Mephistopheles).

Satan informed Ms. Aniston that he could not except her soul offer since he was already in possession of her eternal soul, so like, what else did she have? That was when Jen (in accordance with the Us Weekly editorial board) came up with the idea of stealing the devil’s own baby (aka “Rosemary’s Baby” i.e. the Kardashian/Humphries celebu-infant) from the overprotective hands of her mother Kris and the E camera crew, and selling it back to him in exchange for something every actress craves: eternal youth.

The Lord of Darkness and the Office Space star agreed that in exchange for the child, he will grant her the gift of eternal youth with the caveat that while she will appear never to age, a single phototograph of her and Mr. Pitt of her choosing will age instead.

This photograph.

So for the time being, until Kim Kardashian gets pregnant and the nine months after, Jen will wait, whispering herself this prayer.

Come back to me, Brad.
Come back my sweet prince.
I will never age,
I will wait for you forever.
Come back to me.
Come back to me.
Come back.

The Curious Case of Jason Sudeikis

Jason Sudeikis is hot! He’s parlayed a few unremarkable years as a cast member on Saturday Night Live (a show that skims the cream of the crop from the sketch comedy and Improv world and forces them to grind out monotonous, unfunny sketches as some form of torture for both the audience and themselves), into a string of roles on TV shows like “30 Rock”, feature films like “Hall Pass” and “Horrible Bosses” and in the crowning achievement of junk culture, hosting the 2011 MTV Movie Awards.

But not only is Jason Sudeikis filling up the multiplex, he’s also a regular in the gossip rags like Page Six and Us Weekly. Each week it seems he is dating someone’s dream girl like January Jones (who has somehow managed to convince the world she’s even MORE unstable and frigid then her character Betty Draper on “Mad Men”), Eva Mendes (substance abuse), and Scarlett Johansson (Ryan Reynolds).

Who is this bright shining non-star?

How does this seemingly unfunny, average-looking guy get cast in all these movies AND date a string of stunning yet obviously wack-job actresses?

Is it just classic Hollywood talent agency pairing to get in the gossip rags to make him look like a hot leading man while the actress gets to appear stable? Is it a beard situation?

To get to the bottom of this mystery, I contacted my friend and celebrity gossip news hound Jeff Wolinski for his thoughts on the matter.

Take it away, Jeff!

“I don't care what people say but it is who you are connected to that gets you anywhere in show business/Hollywood.  Those "stars" can deny it all they want but they were connected to somebody to get where they are at now.  Be it a father, mother, brother, sister, uncle, cousin, godfather, college buddy or old babysitter...there is always a connection.

Jason Sudeikis --You described him perfectly-"seemingly unfunny, average-looking guy”.  His uncle is George Wendt.  He played Norm on Cheers, which made NBC, the home of SNL, a ton of money.  You are telling me that his uncle who played one of the most popular TV characters in the 20th century had nothing to do with him being on SNL?  Then you are full of shit.


 Also, you mentioned his dating life...well this goes to show you how pathetic this guy was before he "made" it.  He was married (Ed. Note- he was married to a 30 Rock writer Kay Cannon) but the second he got a tiny taste of the spotlight he gets divorced.  This reinforces the fact that he is a seemingly unfunny average looking guy who couldn't pull tail in his every day life.  He needed uncle George and SNL to give him the false confidence that he could get hot tail.  On top of that, he is pulling in wack- jobs with his celebrity status.  It shows he sucks and not cool at all in real life.”

Then Jeff kicked a wastebasket in his cubicle and yelled, “Come on!”

But, there you go. Mystery solved. Now you know, the secret ingredient to landing the world’s most beautiful and glamorous Hollywood actresses is one George Wendt.

Norm!